The Broken Bedroom

Kate says . . .

It’s not surprising that sex is the hottest topic on One Flesh Marriage.  Any and every post talking about sex gets the most attention, feedback and debates. Everyone has an opinion and everyone has a story. There are not to many marriages out there that have not struggled with sex at some point in their marriage.

The one question that we are repeatedly asked when we talk about sex is, “Why is sex such a big deal, it’s not the only aspect of marriage?” It certainly is not the only aspect to marriage and when you look at statistics of time spent in your marriage, sex will be a small portion of it. (Check out The Most Important 0.625% Of Your Marriage, a great post written by a friend of ours.)

If sex is such a small portion of marriage, why is it such a big deal? Why is it that it is so attacked in the world and even in marriages?The Broken Bedroom

We buy into the sex lies that we are told

Everywhere we go, we are barraged with images and messages about sex and sexuality. Images of people who are not married to wearing a whole lot less than we should be viewing them in.

Brad and I were recently in Times Square seeing the Broadway show Amazing Grace (which was awesome) and we thought we’d walk around for a while before the show. There were messages being thrown at our feet and images bombarding our eyes on huge screens, all telling us lies about body image, sex and sexuality. While these were highlighted in Times Square, we see these images every day, and we buy the lies that they are telling us.  Lies such as:

  • Dressing in a revealing way for all to see is sexy
  • Wearing certain things (or lack there of) makes you sexy
  • Sex should be fun and amazing all the time and if it isn’t now with you current partner, then find someone else

Sex takes attention and effort from both spouses

Sex takes effort. It takes time and attention on each other. The misconception that we will always rip each other’s clothes off in a heat of passion and all else will be easy and amazing, just isn’t reality a majority of the time.

Sex works when there is a constant rhythm (pun intended) between husband and wife as they seek to love and serve each other in life and in the bedroom. Sex is about so much more than the physical act. It is about how you love and serve each other the rest of the day as well. Your desire to put your spouse’s wants and needs first. The desire to bring your spouse pleasure above yourself. When we are both focused on the other, the selfishness that is wreaking havoc in marriage is defused.

When something is so good, it is easy to warp it

When the enemy spends this much time and effort warping something (in this case sex), that should be a lightbulb to us that it is in fact, very good! God has great plans for sex and it needs our time and attention. We need to seek God on how to love our spouse through sex. If we spent the equivalent amount of time seeking to understand God’s plan for sex in marriage as we do planning our wedding maybe just maybe our hearts would unwrap more of the mystery.

Because it is a mystery sometimes we are scared of it

It is true, we fear the unknown. We fear what we do not understand. Sometimes we use the mystery of sex as an excuse to not give it the time and attention God wants.

If you don’t have the information you need, seek it. If you are struggling, reach out. Take it from someone who buried her head in the sand about sex way too long, it is not the way to deal with hurdles in your sex life.

It is spiritual and sacred

For me this is the number one reason that sex (in general, but especially in marriage) is under attack.

God created sex as something special between a husband and a wife. It is an emotional, physical and a spiritual connection. It is a glue for your marriage. It is something you can share with no one else.

Sex has the ability to draw us closer to our spouse as well as to our amazing God. It shows us part of his beautiful plan for Christ and the church. It is a mirror image for His passion for his church. A passion has an intensity like no other. Sex in marriage is a spiritual act of worship.

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4 Responses to The Broken Bedroom

  1. Great post! I have read it several times. It is so nice to read how sex is a positive thing in other couple’s lives. I see so many couples who think sex is just sex when in reality it is so much more. Intimacy is interwoven through everything in life…just as you mentioned in your post. I am finding this to be not just my personal truth but a universal truth. God gave us sex and intimacy as a way to communicate and connect with our spouses.

  2. If sex is no big deal lets see how the spouse feels about it if one has sex with someone else! No big deal, right?

  3. Sex is no big deal? Why does God mention it in the bible continuously? Why would that be the only reason for divorce? Why is porn wrong?

    Most christians have bought into the lie of romantic love in marriage and not the covenant love in marriage. The woman has to be romanced or fell romantic love in order to want sex instead of wanting it because God calls her to have it. A man forsakes all others.

    If a woman was not allowed to talk to any human being after marriage other than her husband what would we say? We would think muslim or some strange religion. What do we think of when a man gives up having sex with anyone, but his wife? What if said man cannot have sex with his wife because she rejects him? What if he just stares at her while she talks to him or he is the only person she can talk to on the planet, but he doesn’t feel like talking at that moment and she has to act or be a certain way that will make it so he wants to listen to her? What if every time she figured out how to make him want to listen, he changed what would want him to listen and she has to yet again figure it out?

    Sound weird? I don’t think so because what has happened is that christians have bought into the lie that women do not have to be responsible or accountable within their covenant vows within marriage in the face of God.