One of the most common articles people search for at One Flesh Marriage is “We Haven’t Had Sex in A Year“. These wounded men or women are seeking answers to why their spouse has completely shut them out of physical intimacy.
Maybe this is just a vocal minority, or maybe it is just cliche but the damage done when sexual intimacy in a marriage dips down to absolute zero is seismic. The epicenter might start in the bedroom, but the damage ripples out in waves.
While the destruction of a marriage without physical intimacy happens in many areas, so to must the solution. All too often the spouse seeking more intimacy in the bedroom focus their attention there. Asking and even begging that if something doesn’t happen they don’t know what to do.
Kate started discussing the importance and threats to sexual intimacy in her post, The Broken Bedroom. I’m going to continue that theme directed toward the spouse who is eager to find change.
The Epicenter – The Marriage Bed
This is the area where the damage is most visible. Nothing is happening, or maybe it is, but just very infrequently. There are many thoughts that go through our head when something isn’t working in the bedroom, “if she just enjoyed it more”, or “maybe he/she is getting it elsewhere” or even “they just don’t love me anymore.”
It is important to recognize that most of these thoughts and fears are misguided. They are looking for the solution here, with the assumption that all else being equal- sex should be frequent and amazing. As Kate said in her post, “Sex takes effort. It takes time and attention on each other. The misconception that we will always rip each other’s clothes off in a heat of passion and all else will be easy and amazing, just isn’t reality a majority of the time.”
It is possible that your techniques or your timing might need adjusted, but that is unlikely when sex stops completely. Start looking in other areas for the answers.
If things are going to work in the bedroom, they first are going to have to happen over the dinner table. Ok, maybe it doesn’t have to be the dinner table, but the art of communication is essential to opening up the possibilities in the bedroom.
Don’t try to use communication to get sex, use it to find out what is going on with your spouse. What are they thinking about? What are they worried about? What are enjoying doing and what is exhausting them?
If you can’t talk then you aren’t ready to be in the bedroom anyway! Good sex takes good communication.
Sometimes we try to use sex to bind us together. We do that because it works, sex is a marriage glue. However, when there is a lack of emotional expression elsewhere or, even more damaging when there are only negative emotions elsewhere, the glue doesn’t stick very long!
Unless you are regularly speaking your spouse’s love language, and telling them how much you appreciate them you are missing something that isn’t going to be fixed in the bedroom. You will not (nor should you) guilt your way into good sex. Stop complaining about a lack of sex, and start appreciating and loving you spouse.
Sex takes time. The act itself doesn’t take a lot, but the time together, the face to face time does. I used to make the mistake of watching TV till 11:00 and then jumping into bed thinking Kate would be automatically ready to go. Guys that just isn’t true! If you devote 3 or 4 hours to TV, then the only thing ready to go will be the remote control!
Next time try devoting 3 hours to your spouse’s needs and see if there is a difference.
If you haven’t realized it yet, all of these components of a great sex life are part of having a great and growing relationship! That relationship doesn’t start in the bedroom, and it won’t be fixed by focusing on it either. If sex has disappeared from your bedroom, maybe you should take a cue from your dating days. Start sharing time, communication and emotions and eventually the bedroom time comes.