Let’s Take that Mattress for a Test Drive

Brad says…

I need you.
Want some?
Wanna get lucky?
Let’s go to the bedroom.
I want you.
Let’s make love.
Let’s have sex.
How about some bedroom gymnastics?
Let’s fool around.
Let’s take that mattress for a test drive.
How about a little lovemaking?
How about a quickie?
You put my sex drive into overdrive.
Do you want cheesy lines or do you just wanna do it?

There might be a thousand ways to communicate your desire for sex to your wife. Unfortunately, there are also at least 900 ways to do it poorly. Kate went to bat for all husbands in her post, “To All the Wives Who Feel Like a Piece of Meat” encouraging wives to see the positive in between the sometimes hurtful words.

Husbands, we need to do a better job asking our wives for sex! I know that you don’t want your wife to feel like a piece of meat, yet so often our words can do just that. We can do better.b-morning sex 2

The answer isn’t just about stopping the inappropriate, it is about growing the healthy ways to tell your wife you desire her!Here are three steps to help you retire the locker room Meat Man, and become the Real Man your wife desires at the same time.

Recognize the Problem

The first step in changing our Meat Man ways is recognizing the problem. When your wife feels your object is to have sex over and above connecting with her, she will feel like a piece of meat. I know that is normally not what you are trying to communicate, but the words “do you want sex” without any connection to “I desire to be with YOU” can easily make someone feel that their role in the whole process is to just show up.

Fear Of The No

One of the main reasons that men use these direct methods rather than expressing themselves better, is because of a fear of rejection. When your wife says “No” to your asking, “You want to fool around?” you may be disappointed, but you are not rejected. The idea was rejected.

When you work hard to express your desire to connect with your wife on an emotional and sexual level and she says, “No” or even “not tonight” it can feel like she is rejecting YOU.

Meat Man methods are often a layer of protecting from the feeling of rejection.

Take a Risk with Your Sexual Desire

While asking, “Can we tonight?” might protect you from rejection, it also does a fairly good job of protecting you from anything actually happening. Since that clearly isn’t your object, you probably need to change your tactics.

When you are asking if you can, or if she wants to you are asking about her sexual desire. You are really asking the wrong question. You need to be willing to take that risk and communicate your desire for her. Don’t seek to take her temperature, romantically and lovingly tell her yours! Telling her she is beautiful and you desire to make love to HER is a much better approach.

You need to be thinking about creating a mood, a space for sexual intimacy to happen in rather then making sure an event happens. A women’s sexual desire peaks when they feel secure and connected to their partner. Successfully communicating your sexual desire for your wife has to include your desire for her and your authentic desire for connection.

Communicate Openly

If you do this correctly, there will be times that your wife says, “not tonight”. There will probably even be times that you say, “not tonight” too. You both have to learn how to hear these perfectly normal words without getting hurt. It is very possible that your wife’s lack of desire has noting to do with you and everything to do with the crazy day at work, or the hair raising time she had with the kids homework.

Your wife is less likely to use sex as a way of decompressing and relaxing as you are. If she has had, one of those days, then you need to be thinking about how to give her space for at least 30 minutes of relaxing with the mental thought of growing sexual desire. Then another 20 minutes of soft affectionate touch, kissing, cuddling before she will reach a readiness for sex. This is the normal time frame. It could be longer. Do you see why I said you need to think about creating a space for intimacy not about an event.

Restoration Takes Time

You probably have been using some of these Meat Man methods for quite some time. You are not going to be able to make a change overnight. It will take some time and risk to put your desire out there for your wife. It will take her developing some trust that you don’t see her as a piece of meat, but a person that you desire to connect with on a deeply intimate level.

Let us know:

Guys, do you find yourself using one of those “feel like meat” methods, why?

Ladies, do you have suggestions for us on how we can approach you with our desire better?

let us know in the comments!

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22 Responses to Let’s Take that Mattress for a Test Drive

  1. If you treat your wife with the love and respect you are commanded to do then you will never have to ask for sex again. She will be begging YOU for it.

    • Angie, that isn’t really entirely true for all women… perhaps it is more true for women who are readers of this site, but I’m guessing that it’s not as likely to be true for the wives of the men reading. It certainly wouldn’t have been true for mine… and I will note that at our worst neither my wife nor I would ever have said our marriage was in serious danger of failing, or that there was lack of love or respect. But I can pretty much say emphatically that my wife never would have initiated sex. It’s taken a year or so since I declared a “drifting” problem, and we started working on changing our habits, and talking about topics that were not entirely comfortable to get to where I think she might ask on the odd occasion going forward… which is a step in the right direction, but a far cry from “begging for it”. I don’t think she’ll ever be that, because it simply isn’t her, and that is ok too.

      But back to Brad’s point, one of the biggest changes we made was to reserve 30-60 minutes every night that was our time to connect. It’s not specifically for “sex”, but that is one valid use for the time. Sometimes we just cuddle. Sometimes we talk. Sometimes we start there and more happens. But the most important thing is that we have a booked “together” time, and to bring it back to Brad’s point, it was probably the best decision I ever made to approach it as a priority/time problem. We had gotten so busy that we rarely had time for each other, and I called that out as the problem rather than that we weren’t having sex often enough (which was also true, but it was a subset of the core problem that we were “too busy” for each other). I realize this is the “macro” view, but the more “micro” view of it is that if you only put down your game/book/computer/television show to spend time with your wife when you are looking to have sex, that *might* make her feel like your desire for her is a only one dimensional.

      • Josh you make a great point! Time together, scheduled or planned, or unplanned, it is so very important! If you aren’t spending the time together you are missing the foundation that sexual intimacy is supposed to be laid on!

        Great addition! Thanks

      • The scenario Josh presents is actually true for my husband and I. I was exactly the way he described, even though my husband told me all the time I was beautiful. I had the problem. I will say that he would ‘ask’ in the wrong ways as described in the post, but if he had done everything ‘right’, it wouldn’t have made a difference. It took a realization from God, who showed me the error of my ways and I was so broken over it. We are working towards change and I’m so thankful that he never stopped telling me I am beautiful and that he loves me. God is so merciful!

    • That can be true Angie. Sometimes that is really what it takes! Other times, there are some women will admit that they don’t activly think about sexual intimacy unless their brains are turned toward it. That doesn’t mean they don’t have a sex drive. It just means that they sometimes need prompted in that area.
      Thanks for your comment

    • Sorry. Significantly inaccurate. Some of us romance the heck out of our wives but have been displaced by kids, friends, Facebook, work.

      • That may be true, but the basis in the fact that making her feel like meat doesn’t help still remains true. If you feel you are romancing and you still are not feeling the connection in return, than you need to make sure what you are doing to “romance the heck” out of her is what she really needs right now. Have a frank conversation about your desire to be deeper connected. See what she says would help make that happen. I promise if you ask her for more sex she will feel like a piece of meat. Ask for connection.

        • We’ve had many such conversations. The fact remains that we want radically different things for our marriage. The bait n switch of marriage may be cliche but is true to significant degrees. Hard not to be fatalistic when you see work get “whatever it takes” and realize you get whatever she can get away with. We will have a very lonely empty nest period and who knows if we can even survive as a couple without the unifying influence of children.

    • Angie,
      I’d love that to be true for my wife and me. She just doesn’t seem to get that I desire her. On Saturday I asked her for a 3rd course after lunch – she sat on my knee, we held each other, got a little bit frisky and just had time for each other. No mention of kids, decorating, just us.
      I’m hoping it’s the start of something new and if anyone out there is praying please pray that God will enable us to have the marriage that I can only dream of.
      I reckon 10 minutes of us time every day would be a start. It changed my whole day, but I’m not even sure my wife noticed anything was different.

  2. My husband doesn’t ask. He just gets started, or pulls me on him. It is hard to say not tonight when he’s already halfway done. It is just hard to catch up!!

    I don’t really even want to say no or not tonight, but I do wish I could say, “could you pamper me tonight, instead? Take it a little slower, more sensual, let me lay back and relax?” I have tried, we fought about it, but he just doesn’t get it.

  3. This was really good. You hit the nail on the head with the “fear of rejection” angle. I’ve known I need to work on this for a while now, but it is difficult… thanks for te inspiration to get back to work, so to speak.

  4. “Can we tonight?”

    How about “can we this month?”, or more likely “can we this year?”

    Angie – been doing that for years…..

  5. And sometimes it actually IS that she is rejecting you. I gave up trying to initiate just under 3 years ago because it got to the point that we were only intimate when she allowed it, what she allowed to do, where and how, which is only about once per month, but very limited in scope. You just get tired of being pushed away. I try to do all I can to love her, help her, support her, etc. She is a stay-at-home mom/homeschooler, and I always try to put her needs and desires ahead of my own and try to love her the way she wants to be loved, to do the things she wants to do, but I have been told on more than one occasion that “I can’t be what you want me to be. You would be happier with someone else.” What do you make of that? I have certainly never had a “Meat Man” approach with her. I basically feel undesired, unloved and really not much like a husband. Just wanted to put out an alternative opinion based on my experience. Wish it weren’t so.

    • I am beginning to think homeschooling can be a killer for women. I used to be the higher drive spouse. I used to have dreams, aspirations, energy. But I am a homeschooling mom and I feel like everything has been taken away from me just to get through a school day. Most days I feel like I have failed before I even get out of bed. I never thought it would be this tough, this all consuming

  6. If a husband views porn and ogles other women in person and in media his wife will feel used by him-not who he really desires but she’ll do since she’s there. If a husband makes and/or laughs at sexist jokes and appreciates ads, commercials, tv shows, videos etc that objectify women and in general uses women for his pleasure and entertainment his wife will likely think that’s all she is worth to him also. If he has a daughter she will definitely get the message that is what her worth as a female is to men.

    • YES This!!! you just described my husband! and why I have no desire ever for him anymore and would rather sleep! but give in 2 to 3 x a week to keep the peace which is slowing killing me on the inside. Not the Christian man I prayed for that’s for sure. =,(

  7. Bold post, Brad! I’ve heard it said that “do you want to?” doesn’t count as initiating – it’s just fishing. Much better, as you suggest, is to indicate your desire for an intimate connection with your wife. Of course there are no guarantees, but your marriage worth the risk!

  8. I believe trust is completely essential. Also, make sure she knows of your desire for her and your love for her, constantly! Romance is nice. Never stop pursuing her and make her feel that she is the most important person in your life….always! She’s going to ROCK your world!

  9. I hadn’t seen it this way before. I used it a lot before. But I always saw it like a way to be playful. Like saying how hot she is, and what a sexy body she has and so on but I guess I have to approach it like this. It’s hard to be so vulnerable emotionally. I mean I love her and what to make love to her, not just have sex for “release” but to me intimate with her but sometimes it’s hard to be so vulnerable. Right now I am in a place where I don’t ask for it anymore. Before she got pregnant our sex life was going down and now it’s even harder now that we have our daughter. She is not in the mood so often and to try something new or do the things we did before will not happen so I have decided that it is better to not ask or show anything until she decide that she wants to. In the end it’s low drive spouse that has control over the sex life. She decides when it is happening, if it is happening and if something is wrong it doesn’t matter she decides so it’s no use to try anymore. That’s why as a guy I have to plan a lot for it to happen but I can plan a lot but In the end she decides anyways. So the best is to Just wait and try to become a low sex drive spouse to because that’s the only way to get rid of the curse that is a high sex drive.

    • Sad to say I agree… the low-drive spouse usually sets the schedule – and probably also does not want to talk about it, nor read a helpful blog like this!
      I totally relate to the wanting to “be intimate” with her – an emotional connection is what makes sex meaningful and not just an empty obligation.
      Some wives just don’t understand that just being there and not resisting can be offensive to a guy that actually loves his wife… positive active participation on her part is needed.
      When she pushes me away I usually would rather just leave the room than feel like I’m “using her” like a blowup doll.
      Keep praying for her (and for God’s strength to help you love her unselfishly) ESPECIALLY when she frustrates your efforts to connect with her. 🙂