To All the Wives Who Feel Like a Piece of Meat

scotch fillet steakKate says . . .

You know that moment when your amazing husband makes his desire for you known and in back of your mind you fight the feeling that you are a piece of meat? That all he wants is sex? If I had a dime for every time a reader asks me this question, let’s just say I would have a whole lot of dimes!

Culture has told us that men need sex. That they have to have it as if it as if they were an animal. So when we are tired and exhausted, we start to buy into the lie that all our hubby wants is sex. Unfortunately I bought this lie for many years in our marriage as well. In bringing light to the darkness of lies, we have to uncover the truth. So what is the truth?

3 Truths I have uncovered about why my hubby desires sex with me . . . 

It is a need, but not only in the way you assume

Brad and I believe sex to be a need in marriage and believe that to be a biblical principle (1 Cor. 7:1-7), though it took me awhile to see the truth of this. God designed it as something special and unique to the marriage relationship. He made us sexual beings. Sex within marriage is a need not a want. To a marriage it is as essential as food and water. The reality is that we treat wants and needs very differently in life and that creates a problem with viewing sex as merely a want. Recognizing sex as a need in both your life and your hubby’s is essential to further understanding God’s good plan for sex in marriage.

So I realize that saying sex is a need could make it feel as though your husband is an animal and can’t control himself. While I get that, it should encourage you that God made your husband to desire that intimate time with you. That he feels closest to you when it is just the two of you, enjoying each other. I know God made you differently, but understanding and cherishing how he created your husband is so good!

He desires YOU

When a husband desires to have sex with his wife, it is because he desires that closeness with her. He desires you, because you are his wife and it is good that he should. Stop thinking that he “wants” you and remind yourself that he desires you. I cannot say it enough, your husband desires you-not just sex. He wants to share that time with you, that he can share with no one else. He wants to feel that close to you. He wants to make you feel incredible too. If you struggle to believe that, when all else fails-seek to think the best of your husband. Not the worst-that he would reduce your worth as simply a vessel for his own pleasure. He desires YOU-his WIFE! It is a beautiful thing to be so desired and as a result cherished!

God’s design of your husband is truly amazing

When we look at a flower or a beautiful sunset-we can easily praise God on creating a masterpiece. When we look at our children, we see God’s handwork. When we see our husbands we should see the same thing. I would imagine you did on your wedding day. Why has that image tarnished? God created your husband as a one of a kind, masterpiece. Though the masterpiece is unfinished, he is unique and amazing. Believe it. If you don’t, ask God to restore that to you. Seek to see your husband and his desire for sex with you as an amazing thing.

A shocking revelation

What do you think is the number one thing your husband wants with sex? Ask him! Be brave and ask him that questions. Then hear what he has to say. I think you will be surprised. While sexy outfits and different positions are fun and I’m sure he wouldn’t turn them down. I know for my hubby and many we hear from what they want most is, to be desired by their wife. That and making you feel incredible during sex. There is nothing so wonderful to him, then you wanting to enjoy sex with him. Letting him touch and please you. Losing yourselves together is something specifically created for marriage and pleasure. Again, don’t believe me? Ask him!

I am not a piece of meat, I am my husbands desire and pleasure!  Wow, I love that!

Have you struggled with feeling like a piece of meat where sex is concerned? 

Has God shown you another truth about sex in marriage that would encouraged our readers?

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27 Responses to To All the Wives Who Feel Like a Piece of Meat

  1. * sigh * I WISH most wives would understand how blessed they are to be desired by their husbands. I would love for my husband to feel that way about me. I would love for him to desire intimacy with me. He says he does, and he has “pity sex” with me about once a week, but there’s no desire there. I read these articles and I feel like our relationship is backwards. I feel like I’m the one who feels like the husband. I have to intitiate, I have a strong desire to be intimate with him, I have such an intense longing to be desired by him – and all of these feelings make me feel less feminine. Like there’s something wrong with me. Like I’ll never be as good as all the women whose husbands can’t keep their hands off of them. To those women I say, BE HAPPY! Trust me, if your husband desires you it is a blessing!! The opposite is far, far, far worse.

    My husband is a great guy, and he takes great care of us. He says he loves me every day, and he always wants to hold my hand. Now he’s trying to act like he wants to spend time with me by going on little trips like to the store or to a park. It’s nice but it’s weird. I’m his wife, and I long to be desired by him. I feel like his love for me is no different than his love for a sister or a friend. I want our love to be an intimate love. It may sound incredibly selfish, but I long to be desired by him.

    I have stopped (for the most part, sometimes I slip up) initiating intimacy with my husband. He says he misses it very much, but that’s not true. If he did, he would initiate more often. I read the blogs. I know what normal male desire is. My husband does not desire me that much, and it makes me feel like far less of a person.

    • There may be other reasons that you have not considered. He may suffer from low testosterone which dramatically reduces his sexual desire. There is a simple lab test to determine this and testosterone supplements which can increase his testosterone as well as his desire.

      There is nothing wrong with asking him to get you off even if he is not in the mood because the Bible requires this in 1Cor7

      • I have a theory. I’m not a doctor (especially not an endocrinologist); I’m a pastor. Negative emotions and attitudes effect the chemical functions of the body. That’s a fact. Could it be that the wrong thoughts and emotions could affect a man’s testosterone? Anger, bitterness, fear or some wrong way of thinking might well affect a man’s hormones.

    • I was going to post the exact same thing! Except my husband never responds if I try to initiate, and our frequency is at 3 weeks and dropping. Along with all of the other emotions, I am starting to realize that I don’t feel married at all. I don’t feel like a wife. I feel like I have a moderately affectionate roommate, and that is so surreal to me.

      • Hi sunny-dee,

        Thanks for sharing where you are as well. As I said to “B” above, my heart truly aches for where you and your husband are. We are broken people and sometimes we hurt the people closest to us, even when we don’t want to. I am sure you have tried many things in working on where you and your husband are . . . do you have a church family that you can reach out to? A marriage/sex positive couple that you can talk to?

        I know it can be extremely hard to reach out and share, especially when it concerns sex, but in the end it is worth it. I pray that you will find the community of believers that can help you walk through this. Please know we are always here to help, if there is anything we can do. Blessings, Kate

        • Venting helps, actually. So thanks for your site. 🙂

          I have a lot of sadness because this isn’t what I expected — but I certainly don’t have an overall bad life. I am trying to refocus, separating myself from a lot of my past expectations and readjusting my attitude. Instead of looking at something like a loss for myself, I’m trying to look at it as an area of service to God (and secondarily, to my husband). I mean, that isn’t working at all yet, but it’ll take time.

          I don’t have a sex-positive couple that I could talk to, but I do have a pastor friend whom I have been contemplating reaching out to. I haven’t spoken to my mom about this (who is the first person I would naturally turn to) because, honestly, my husband has a rocky family history, and I want my parents to be “on his side,” if that makes sense. They all really get along well, and I want that relationship to grow. We all need someone on our side, and my parents have always been there for me. I want my husband to know that he has that kind of extended support, too.

          • Hi again,

            I think you are have the right frame of mind about many things in your situation. It will take time and God will be with you as you seek to serve God through loving your husband.

            I would encourage you to reach out to the pastor friend. We tend to isolate when things are not going well, when really God designed us to be in community. Reach out and share where you are and allow them to come along side of you, pray for you and hopefully have some wisdom to share.

            I love that you want to protect your husband, that is good stuff and very much speaks to your heart for him. Even when our spouse is struggling and not treating us the way we want, thinking about them should be our number one goal, even though that is very hard.

            Keep leaning on God, sunny-dee, for it is only by the grace given to us that we can love and extend grace to our spouse! Blessings, Kate

          • Find a woman. Talking about this to a man is spiritually and sexually dangerous–more dangerous, possibly to you than to him. Several years ago I read a chapter in a counselling book entitled “Women Helping Women” that made a very convincing case for women avoiding continuing counselling from a male. Let me run, the brickbats are coming my way soon.

    • Hi B,

      Thanks for writing and sharing where you are. My heart aches for where you are. I knew this post would be hard for the wives who are the higher drive spouse. I am sorry about that, I was simply trying to address a question that we get a lot on OFM.

      You also have a very valid point that wives whose husbands desire then, should be cherishing that! It is a blessing!

      Please know that there is always hope. Jesus never said that marriage and life would be easy but that he would be there for us, fulfilling all we need when it was hard. Hang on to Jesus and the hope he brings with all you have.

      I hope you can find a community of believers that can lift you up, pray with you and walk with you through this difficult time. Know that I am lifting you up right now. Blessings, Kate

  2. I struggled with this very thought for most of my 27 years of marriage because my father was an animal. I do feel like all he wanted from Mom was sex. He would beat her and then guess what…make up sex. He even would have sex with her when I was in the bed with them. I can remember being terrified that he was hurting her again. Being a physically abused wife in rural America in the 60’s and 70’s was different than being one now. There were no support groups and outreach to battered women. I guess she was too afraid of him to say no, but it is something that has haunted me all my life and has certainly had a negative effect at times in my own marriage.

    • Hi Carol,

      Thank you for sharing what your experience has been like. I completely understand that for some wives, the feeling of being used like a piece of meat comes from horrific things. I appreciate your sharing and bringing up a very valid point. When you have something in the past to sift through and receive healing, it is a very different journey. I hope that you have found healing from those horrible memories. Thank you for sharing, Carol. Blessings, Kate

  3. I definitely understand that a lot of wives feel like they are a piece of meat to their husbands. It is so hard to know if that is how their husband feels or not. I think that there are plenty of men out there that do not have a healthy view of sex or are abusive. In that case, they very well may not see their wives as anything other than a sexual outlet. However, I think that most men that love their wives and have a good relationship with them, do desire being close to their wives. Certainly think these principles hold true to those guys and I hope that their wives can understand that.

    • Hi Keelie,

      Thanks for joining the discussion. It is my hope too that most men loves their wives and never want them to feel like a piece of meat. 🙂 As we all know in marriage, it doesn’t take much for things to get all mixed up and for spouses to assume things. Thanks for bringing up some great points. Blessings, Kate

  4. The churches also neglect a mandated ministry in Titus 2 where it commands that: “the older women of the church are supposed to teach the younger women of the church how to love their husbands (sexually) so that the Word of God is not blasphemed. Show me any church today with a Titus 2 ministry

  5. Brad hasn’t posted yet, and he often does, so I may be jumping the gun, but as a Christian husband, I would like to add a couple of things:

    1) Guys, if your wife is feeling like this, even a little, then maybe you’re not doing enough to show your wife love and respect so that she doesn’t feel like that is all you value her for.

    2) Ladies, as a husband, this line of thinking by my wife would actually hurt me a little. My wife is NOT a piece of meat. She is my partner, the mother of my son, and the woman I vowed to love, honor, cherish, and forsake all others for. And while she is ALL of that to me, for the sake of this discussion, I do want to call specific attention to the “forsake all others” part. Yes, my desire for my wife is strong, but that shouldn’t surprise anyone — I PROMISED to desire her alone. If your husband was eyeing the blonde at the next table, you’d be rightfully irked… but I’ve never understood how that can be true at the same time as being dismayed that he still eyes you that way. I would suggest that you to shift the emphasis a bit. Your husband doesn’t want you for SEX. Your husband wants YOU sexually. And assuming that your marriage is not in a totally crumbling state (and I pray for those who are there), he wants YOU for a lot more than just that.

    3) I also concur, that it’s not JUST a physical release. I don’t want “just sex”, I want to share sex *specifically* with my wife. It’s complex, and hard to put into words, but there are non-physical components, the most important being that I feel closer to her when we are regularly intimate this way. If it could be separated, and I had to pick between the act of sex, and the emotional “high” that I feel towards my wife afterwards, I’d pick the latter hands down.

    • Thanks for sharing, Josh. Brad will be posting soon, his response and thoughts. 🙂 I agree with all that you have shared and appreciate you jumping in and adding to the discussion! Blessings, Kate

  6. Thank you for this post! I have felt like this many times. Growing up, I was taught that guys are only after one thing. Sadly, this thought has carried over into my marriage and I struggle with it. Your post and Josh’s comments have given a needed fresh perspective.

    • Hi S,

      I am so thankful you found it helpful. Brad will be posting his thoughts and response soon, check back and maybe you will get some more insights. I appreciate you being willing to share that you too have struggled with this mentality. Blessings, Kate

  7. I will (at this point in my life) never understand why God created marriage. It’s so hard–we carry so much baggage. I gag at the comments about sex and sharing the desire. I just don’t get it anymore. I am broken and don’t know how to get fixed.

    • Hi Kate S,

      I am not sure I will ever fully understand God’s plan for sex and marriage-but I am gonna work my hardest with my hubby to find out. God didn’t want Adam to be alone, so he gave him Eve. Our God is a loving God who wants good things for us. He gave us sex in marriage, something amazing that other relationship has (or is suppose to have). Sometimes we just have to say, “thanks God”, even though we don’t completely get it. It is more about trusting God, then figuring it all out.

      We are all broken my friend. And marriage is two broken people becoming one flesh together. Embracing each other with their flaws, seeking to be known fully and loved no matter what. Keep talking to God and exploring his word and he will reveal to you his heart for marriage. Blessings, Kate

  8. Reading this felt like someone had read my mind. My husband talks to me like this when he wants sex and the first thought in my mind is that he doesn’t want me he just wants sex. I don’t enjoy sex since having my 2 nd child and even when I was pregnant. We haven’t had sex in over a year. I “take care of him” in other ways but we are starting to feel like mere roommates. Sex hurts me and I can’t stand the thought of my son waking up and catching us or hearing us. The way my husband talks about sex makes me feel so dirty too and I don’t like that feeling so I avoid it. I know it’s probably wrong of me to deny him for this long but now I don’t even know where to begin to get us back “in the saddle” so to speak. I know I won’t enjoy it but for his sake I know I am going to have to just suck it up and let him have it. But how does one even get there?

    • Mandy, if having sex hurts, and no simple at home solutions help, I’d suggest you seek medical help. It’s not supposed to hurt. I suggest you read some of Shelia’s articles:

      http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/10/where-to-find-specific-marriage-advice/

      She covers a lot of things, but specifically has a couple of articles about dealing with pain/discomfort.

      As far as getting back in the saddle, my advice is to include your husband as you try and deal with the physical issues. Telling him that you want to be intimate with him, but you are experiencing pain will do two things. First, it will communicate that the problem is not him or a lack of desire to be with him. And second, it will give him something to help you solve. You see, most guys prefer a problem that can be thought out. Your physical discomfort might not be an easy problem to solve, but it’s something that can at least be approached logically. “I don’t want to have sex” can’t be solved. “I don’t want to have sex because…” can, since you can solve the “because” part. Lean on his shoulder and explain your frustration with it to him. I’m sure your husband is frustrated with the lack of intimacy, but he might not realize that you are too. The talk may be hard to start, but it will be good for both of you.

      I wish you the best of luck getting through this. You mentioned feeling like “mere roommates”, and what you’re actually feeling is the natural drift that a lack of physical intimacy causes. I’ve felt it when my wife and I have had “droughts”, but in my case a “drought” has been a few weeks. I can’t even imagine what months or years would feel like. Sex isn’t the only component of a healthy marriage, but the simple truth is that it’s an important one. It’s a big part of what makes you different than his college buddy… or “roommate”.

  9. Not always the case. I’ve been told by my husband on multiple occasions that he could be nice to me if we just have sex more. Not true. That never actually happened. Most recently, I’ve been told that the only thing I’m actually good for is to meet his sexual need. He told me that he can do everything I can do and probably better.

  10. From the men in my life growing up and the way they view women and by the things my husband has done (porn, sexiest comments and post on his facebook) he is no different and it leads me to believe he views me as meat and because it happens on and off after many talks his behavior doesn’t stop and after yrs of this and other mean comments that still haunt me I have no desire to have sex even when he seems to be nice but I do because he just gets meaner if he goes 3 days without it. I asked him last week if he was a real Christian because he made a sexiest comment on a another mans post about a womens large chest and I seen it! and if we have it 2 x a week its still not enough and i have learned the more I give him the more he wants. Hes never happy with what he is getting and I hate when he bugs me to do things I loath but we will bug me to no end, then I resent him even more. Yea all I am is meat to him!!! I hate having to sleep with him now. its been 15 yrs and I don’t want the rest of my life like this. Its all about what HE wants and never about what I don’t want.

    • ****Edited
      What do you meAn if he was a real christian? An actual christian wouldn’t say that. You don’t seem to understand that most guys would like to do it every day. If you were a piece of meat to him, he would not have married a so-called christian just to get laid. How long did you even go out with him before you marry? I mean come on, you sound if you don’t like at all. You may not know this, but sex is very healthy. It has many benefits for women and men. It can actual prolong life, and thanks only one of The benefits.
      Okay, it may seem I am hostile towards you, but that because I don’t like it when Any christian goes and questions another if They are a “real christian”. You may think your perfect christian, but no one is. Jesus Christ was the perfect one, and we strive to be good like him. I know I am not perfect, nor Will I be.
      Here is some advice, sit down with him and talk, not yell, not scream, but talk. Don’t get confrontational with him, and start blaming him for everything;sure he is an “idiot” guy you think, but don’t forget he is your husband. Communicate and find out what you and him can do better in your relationship, and make sure to TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL AND LET HIM RESPOND.

  11. I know this is an old post, but I guess I will bump. Here is the backstory,
    I had a girlfriend for around two years, a self claimed nympho.. Through that time, I have spent time with her staying with me, and every time I normally try to ease into sex, she would stone wall me. She said stuff that would only imply that she felt like nothing but meat. I tried being nice, rough and even made sure she knew that she was more each time.
    I am curious on why women feel like that, even when they should know that is not true.