Kate says . . .

How many of you ladies  can remember an occasion where your hubby was hinting at sex and you were thinking, “ I am so not in the mood”?  Even so you made an effort and somewhere in the middle you felt a desire and were ALL in the mood.  I know that I have been there enough times to remind myself now, that while I may not be in the mood at the moment, if I spend time with my hubby, I often have the desire to be with him.

Delayed desire is very common in women and normal for those who experience it.  God has designed our mind to respond with desire after arousal!  Why?   (you may ask in frustration) It is completely understandable to ask why, yet while we may not completely understand God’s design we know it is good!  As a young wife, I used to think that I just didn’t have any sexual desire.  I struggled mentally and I bottled up my struggle.  As a young husband, Brad had no idea why things were this way.

I remember thinking, once we get into it, I enjoy sex, but was never able to make the connection.  I also struggled with low desire that we now know was caused by oral contraceptives.  All of these variables, and our ignorance to them, caused many years of confusion, sadness and hurt which was only compounded by bad communication.  If you have been in this place like us, then you know how it feels.  Understanding your body and mind the way God designed them is so important.  So if you are one of the wives out there like me who was not in the mood, but once things started-things changed, then here are 5 tips to keep in mind.

Give yourself time

When your hubby winks at you and you know he does not have dirt in it, stop and remind yourself that you do enjoy sex, once you get started.  It is ok to need time to get things going.  Express to your hubby that you would enjoy being together, but you are going to need to take things slow.  As you become more accustomed to this and to how your body responds, you may very well end up with desire sooner.  Our bodies are creatures of habit.

Make sex a priority

When we are “practicing” often, our body is in tune with arousal and desire.  When we have turned off those things for a great length of time it can be more difficult to get them going again. Learning this cycle helped me more then anything else.  I learned that if I kept sex a priority desire came much easier, sometimes even before arousal.

Mentally preparing for sex

Another things that has helped is thinking about that special time throughout the day.  When we are thinking about work, kids, laundry, dinner and a little sleep all day, it is hard to mentally shift to sex.  This is not to surprising, I think every wife has experienced this at some point.  So if we make an effort to put sex with our hubby in those thoughts daily, it will help us with the shift.

Don’t Hide Behind Arousal

If you have discovered that you have delayed desire don’t allow yourself to hide behind it!  You have a choice, to use  what you know to move forward in your one flesh connection or to keep telling yourself you don’t have the desire.  While it may be easier to sit and read that book or watch that TV show, neither of those are going to bless your marriage the way sex can.  God designed sex that way, because he knew it was the one thing that was reserved solely for marriage.  God designed it to be the glue in ways we cannot fathom.  All good things in life take effort.

Use what you know

You now understand better how you work, so what a better way to test that then to bless your hubby by inciting sex with him.  If you know that your desire will come after we experience arousal, why not seek out your hubby!  This is an incredible way to bless your hubby and speak volumes of how you prioritize sex in your marriage.

I would love to hear from other wives if you have found this to be true for you as well.  How have you worked through this challenge of sorts?  Are there other tips that you can share with our readers that will help them?

Brad said…

Kate’s post, “Then Comes Baby in a Baby Carriage” encouraged new moms to remember to keep their husbands a priority even when they bring that new bundle of joy home. I wanted to address the unique realities of the new baby from the dad’s perspective.

When Kate first told me she we were pregnant I was thrilled! Even though you can never feel completely ready for the reality of a first baby, I was excited. I knew things were going to change, that we would have new responsibilities and priorities, yet I was looking forward to turning our 2 of us into 3.

After the roller coaster of pregnancy, came that amazing day when our pink and perfect little man popped into this world. Then it happened…. Our little angel came home and . . .

Everything Changed

Sleep Disappeared

New babies are exhausting! Very exhausting! The first few months of interrupted sleep take a toll on every new parent. It doesn’t take long till “adorable” turns to “ug” at 4:00 am.  Exhaustion leads to frayed nerves. Remember that everyone in the family will be a bit on edge and can be quick to anger. If you hear that tone entering new mom’s voice, make sure to notice and give her a well deserved break. I’m sure most couples will have at least one argument in the first few weeks baby is home. Try to remember that sleep deprivation is probably at the root of it!

Breasts Took On a New Function

We are supposed to think “ahh isn’t that cute” seeing our little one breast feeding.  Yet most of you are really thinking, “hey those are mine!” We’re smart enough not to say that at the time, but the thought was there. It’s true that baby gets priority for a time. Don’t worry too much, once the baby’s done they will come back to you!

Stuff and More Stuff

Now it wasn’t just the two of us, it was us, baby, and lots and lots of baby stuff. Who knew babies came with tons of equipment? Not only was there stuff everywhere, everything took more time. Simply going to church became a trek with more luggage than most men take on an overnight business trip.  This is actually one area that husbands can excel and really help in. Get to know your baby’s accessories! Getting ready to go somewhere? Start packing the baby bag(s). Mom and baby not quite ready to leave on time? Get the car loaded up with all the stuff.

Shifting Priorities

In all of the changes baby and mommy naturally take the lead. All the sudden there is a real physical barrier between you and your wife. As a husband who wanted to still be the priority in his wife’s life it was difficult to adjust to this new reality. I quickly discovered that if I wanted to be apart of my new family I needed to act. Kate might naturally take the lead in the feeding, bathing, rocking, changing, and all the other new baby skills; but that did not mean that I was off the hook.  Mom’s seem to immediately become super mom and jump to do it all. It is easy to let them, it is easy to roll over when the baby wants food, or to ignore the smelly diaper, or pass off as soon as they start to cry.

Get In the Game

It is easy to see the little one creeping in on your territory, but how you respond now sets the tone for a very long time. Either you get in the game, or you get to be on the sideline. If you would like to get connected with your new baby, and remain a priority in your wife’s eyes then you need to take every opportunity to do something.

Don’t roll over at 4:00 am. Get up first, go and change little jr’s diaper while mom is getting ready for feeding. Don’t just ignore the odor emanating from your little bundle of joy, get in there and change it! Don’t ignore the piles of dirty laundry, (how something so small could accumulate so much laundry I’ll never understand) figure out how to run that washing machine and get moving!  Baby needs burped after mommy’s done? Great it’s your chance to jump in and give mom a rest!

Unless you jump in she will do it all. If you sit on the sidelines you will be forcing her to do everything with the baby and around the house. That is going to quickly lead your exhausted wife to frustration and push her away. If you sit on the sidelines a gap is created between the two of you that could end up lasting until your kids eventually move out of the house.

Want to Have Sex Again? Ever?

There are 2 barriers to having sex after baby comes home.  First, mommies have to be physically ready, which often takes a bit of time. Second, and frankly more importantly, unless you are helping out she won’t have the time to even think about getting busy with you, she is too busy with all of the other new responsibilities! I don’t care if this is your 1st or your 5th if you want to start “practicing” to make another you better get in the game!

Kate says . . .

So you are home now, a beautiful baby in your arms, so sweet, so small and so LOUD!  The thing I remember most after bringing our first-born home was an overwhelming tiredness.  After a late night delivery with little to no sleep and a nursing baby that seemed to want to eat only at night, I got home and all I wanted to do was take a nice long nap.  What a wakeup call that was-literally!  Sleep-I did not!  There we were, thrown straight into the joys and trials of parenthood. 

So now that a young infant has entered the picture how do we get back to our normal marriage?

You don’t!

First thing wives is to understand and acknowledge that life is different now.  Finding a new norm, is the goal, not trying to get back to the old.  Why?  Well quite simply because there is a new baby in the picture.  Even if this is not your first baby, each one that comes along is going to make life different than before.  Different is not good or bad-it is just different.  Sometimes mentally telling ourselves that is very important.  There will be piles of laundry that you don’t get to in the time you wanted, forgotten emails and phone calls, as well as dinners that leave much to be desired.  Yet the one thing that you want to keep consistent is your marriage relationship.  It will be different in many ways, but making a consistent effort is a must.

This baby is not the NEW love of your life!

Looking into that sweet precious face of the baby that needs you for everything,  it is easy to fall head over heels in love with your baby.  The issue I have is that mothers were created to love their babies!  Yet they were created to be in love with their hubby.  Yes, I believe there is a difference.  We will love our children, always.  God created a special bond between a mother and a child, just as he did between a father and a child.  Yet the marriage relationship is the only relationship that God compares to Christ and the church.  The marriage relationship is THE most important relationship that God created. 

Be very careful to make sure your hubby does not feel replaced by this new bundle of joy.  I have heard many wives say, “well he can just grow up, can’t he see that I have our child to take care of?”  To that I say, “He does not need to grow up.  He is your husband and wants to feel close to you.  This is the life you created together and he wants to not only feel a part of that but to also feel like he is still your #2 priority behind God!” 

What created this baby??

One day not so long ago, you married the man of your dreams.  I am sure you had a wonderful wedding and grand dreams about the future.  Children may have been a part of that dream, but the vows and the husband came first.  This baby was created out of your love and commitment to one another and the special sexual intimacy that God created.  It is easy to lose this perspective when we are in the throes of having an infant, yet it is important for us wives to keep close to our husbands.  Keep talking to them, keep touching them, keep snuggling with them and sharing the baby with them.

Sex after the allotted time?

Ahh yes, the “when can we have sex again?”  Some women are rip-roaring and ready to go, others are iffy, some have no desire, and some are petrified.  I remember being somewhat scared about sex, especially after the realities of a vaginal birth.  Yet we managed and started to get back on track.  Consult your doctor about timing as to when you can resume sex (vaginal or c-section).  After that, for those of you who are ready to go . . . go for it! 

For those of you who are apprehensive or have no desire, make an effort to get yourself in the mood.  Take a shower, do your hair, get into clothes that are not sweats and make an effort to feel normal.  If you are lacking desire, sometimes pushing yourself a few times really helps.  If you find that you are lacking desire for a long period of time, talk about it.  Talk to your hubby first.  He needs to know what is happening and is most likely concerned.  Then speak with your doctor.  I know that is not a favorite for many women, yet it is too important to ignore.  Many times your hubby’s support and your doctor’s knowledge will help tremendously.  A word of warning: If you do not get the help and answers from your doctor, then find another one.  Don’t give up, especially when you know something is not right!

Share the responsibilities!

There is something that happens after we become mommies.  We become super mom!  It is so amazing how that happens.  All of the sudden we think we should be able to do it all and yet at the same time are frustrated with our hubby’s for not helping.  Ladies, we have to share the responsibility of this new life with our hubby.  If you are nursing, allow them to burp and rock the baby after nursing.  Allow them to change the babies diaper and give them a bath.  Don’t try to do it all.  When you do this, you are pushing your hubby away and saying-“I can do it all by myself.”  Some nights you might want to hold the baby and let him cook-even if he is not much of a cook.  Other times you might want to hand off the baby and you can have a few peaceful moments in the kitchen by yourself. 

When the baby starts crying-don’t go running!  As hard as that is, your husband is a good dad and he can learn to handle it.  If he is overwhelmed, trust me he will come and find you.  I always thought I needed to go rescue Brad and he would always tell me that he and the baby were fine.  It was also important for the baby to be soothed and bond with their daddy. 

This is only a season

Say it to yourself . . . this is only a season!  While this is a precious time and you should enjoy it, it is also good to remember that the tiredness and sleepless nights are only a season.  When the baby starts to sleep more and become less needy, that is when you should start to add more time back into your marriage and intimacy.  Each time your baby makes more strides and grows up, you can  have that time with your hubby!  I know for many of you that sounds awful and makes you want to squirm.  I am not suggesting that you neglect your child in any way.  I am saying, when they start going to bed at a regular time of 7 instead of 9, give that extra two hours to your hubby, not to your laundry and dishes, even if they desperately need done.  I guarantee your hubby needs the nurturing much more and the pay off will be much better.  Let me also say that I am not just talking about sex.  It is good to get back to regular sex, but it is also vital to nurture other areas of your intimacy.  Emotional, Spiritual and Intellectual.  Sit and watch a movie together, read the Bible together, sit and just talk about your day and snuggle! 

Enjoy this time-with your hubby!  Continue to focus on your oneness even when sex is not an option.  Find joy in the newness, yet keep focused on God’s plan for you as husband and wife.  One day your kids will thank you for it!

Brad and Kate say . . .

One of our readers asked us to talk about sex and pregnancy as well as sex after pregnancy.  These are great topics and it really is great to talk about them with your spouse so there are no unspoken misunderstandings.  So here we go . . . Sex with a Bun in the Oven. 

Finding out that your love has created a child is one of the most amazing and fun times!  It can also be a time of great anxiety as thoughts of safety for your child become a central theme.  Should I eat this-shouldn’t I?  Should I do my normal exercise routine?  Should she keep working?  Should she really eat pickles and ice cream together, and of course should we have sex as often?

Pregnancy brings many changes for the wife in way of body and mind.  The rise in hormone levels can lead to headaches, nausea, sickness (morning or otherwise), emotional highs and lows, stretching of muscles, sore breasts-the list goes on and on.  Some of these things may be temporary;  while others may last throughout the 40 weeks of pregnancy.  Pregnancy also brings about many changes for the husband as he contemplates and prepares to provide for a family or adding to the family.  So what are the things we can do during this time to keep our one flesh connection second in our lives?

Communication is a Key

For the Wives (mommies to be):

Talk through all of the different things that are happening to you and your body.  This will help your hubby to be on the same page with you as you have ups and downs.  Communication will also help your hubby to feel part of the whole process.  After the initial excitement, our hubby’s can feel a bit disengaged with the process because the baby is not living and growing within them.  Every day find ways to bond with your hubby through your pregnancy.

For the Husbands (daddies to be):

Even though you are not carrying this new life, you too can experience every step of the way.  Hey, many dads even help their wives out by gaining a few pounds as well.  Be observant of your wife and ask her how she is feeling.  Ask her if there are ways you can help her.  Talk to her about your thoughts on the baby as well as when you have worries.  Keep nurturing your marriage through communication during this special time.

Physical Touch is a Must

For the Wives:

Find ways to touch and snuggle with your hubby daily.  Even if you have had your head in the toilet all day, and are passed out in bed-hold his hand!  Let him go through this with you, even if he can’t take your discomfort away.  When you are up for more, find special time to lay naked together, allowing him to marvel at the child growing inside of you.  Encourage him to talk to your baby.  Try not to push him away physically.  He still wants to feel like #2 in your life, even with the baby coming.  Keeping physically close  in this time will grow you together and help to prepare you for the arrival of your baby.

For the Husbands:

Find ways to touch and snuggle with your pregnant wife daily.  For you this is twofold, find ways to touch and caress her as you did before, but also find ways to touch her that will physically ease her aches and pains.  Touch in ways to relax her and relieve the stress pregnancy adds to her body.  Be sensitive that sometimes touch may be too much for all that she is experiencing.  Be sure to ask her what is too much and what feels just right.  Don’t stop trying, even if you find she is testy here and there.  She needs to feel close to you as much as you need to be close to her.

Sex with the Bun already in the Oven

***Sex during pregnancy is normal and healthy, but should always be cleared by your physician first. 

For the Wives:

When you are feeling awful, physically, it is hard to think about sex. I totally get that.  When you walk by the trash can, catch a whiff and immediately get sick- sex is just not at the forefront of our thoughts. Yet there will be times in most pregnancies when you feel good.  Make sure that during those times, you make sex with your hubby a priority.  Let’s be honest ladies, sex is what got you here.  No hubby wants to feel like sex got him there and now he is paying the price, wondering when he will share that with you again.  Sharing sex during pregnancy is good, healthy and helps us to feel connected to our spouse. Some wives have a heightened sexual desire during pregnancy and the only thing I can say to that is-go for it girl!  Either way, be conscious of making time with your hubby.  If you are not feeling well or do have physical limits, find other ways to touch and love one another.  Stimulate and bring each other to climax in other ways.  What a blessing it is to share the beauty of what created this child within you-your oneness!

For the Husbands:

Guy’s get ready for a wild ride of sex during pregnancy. Between her emotions changing moment to moment, the ever present possibility of morning sickness (at any time of day), and the strange realization that you are having sex with your child in the room (fortunately womb’s don’t have windows); sex during pregnancy is a bit crazy! Patience and understanding are the words of the day. There will be day’s your wife is raring to go, and other days that it is out of the question. Give her some grace and stand by her through it all!  Feeling awkward about it? Most guys do at some point.  Make sure to talk about it with her, you’ll start feeling better in no time! (more tips on this coming in part 2)

Just for the Husbands:

Your wife is excited and also very nervous about how her body will change during this miracle.  She needs to know that you find her beautiful and attractive, all the way up to and through the delivery!  When she is sick to her stomach, or is crying because you ate the Stromboli she was planning on eating (true story, that Brad loves to share), or if she is shocked at the stretch marks developing-she needs to know that you find her radiant and beautiful!  Don’t stop telling her and finding ways to express this during and after the baby is born.  It is easy to get lost in all the other hustle and bustle of life and miss these opportunities.

Keep the Connection

These 9 months (it’s actually 10 ladies, but no one ever mentions that!) can be a time to bring you closer and prepare you for the blessing and chaos of being parents; or it can be 9 months of the beginning of a child separating their parents.  While one of the blessings of marriage is children, they come out of your one flesh connection.  They come out of your connection!  Once they are here (in the womb or out of it), they should not come between your connection.

Pregnancy is a wonderful time of bonding between husband and wife.  If this is not your first, then we all know there is much less time in our days for – everything!  Yet, finding time to lay naked together and marvel at God’s beautiful way of creating life within your marriage is an amazing thing.  Marvel and enjoy each other even with the bun already in the oven!

What are other ways you shared special time during pregnancy?  Share how keeping sex a priority during pregnancy blessed your one flesh connection.

Up next:  Sex after the baby is born!

Brad says…
Men are in trouble! We have two choices; either we are a strong, yet insensitive, self-centered husband. Or we are a weak, lovie-dovie, cutsie one. The minute I say “a husband should be romantic” we picture this effeminate guy always working to make his wife happy. Yet when I talk about “husband’s leading the family” it is easy to only picture the angry power-hungry husband who doesn’t care at all!

I’m done being tossed between these two extremes, I’m going renegade! I’m leaving the traditions of men behind and forging a new path! I’m joining Kate’s revolution she started in her post, “The Radical Wife” and launching a movement of Renegade Husbands.

I want to walk through the rest of my days on earth with resilient authority, relentless love, and a furious longing to follow God’s heart and will in all areas of my life!

Resilient Authority

It is easy for people to understand and accept that respect is the way to speak love into a man’s heart. Somehow that same message gets lost when talking about a man’s need for leadership. Men desire leadership. Too often men have given up all leadership and authority in their home, and sometimes these men react as if they are owed it back. Renegade husbands understand that leadership is not default because we are a man, a husband or a father; real leadership is earned. Real resilient authority is earned by serving. Renegade husbands are not generals in cushy office barking orders; they are the captains stepping into the line of fire FIRST! We lead by doing, by example, by our lives. As we lead we build authority with our family to trust our decisions and follow us when we lead! Every step of a renegade husband’s authority is walked out in direct connection to his relentless love for his wife and family.

Relentless Love

Men often love with expectations. They love when they are loved, or they love to get something. Men pour out their love in verse, actions and attention when they are dating, or maybe when the mood (or the urge) strikes. Unfortunately, men also carry around an opinion that showing love or any emotion is connected with weakness. They portray the opinion that any husband that chooses to spend time with his wife over hanging with the boys is sissified and whipped.

Jesus taught, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44) Renegade husbands understand that if Jesus wanted us to love those who hate us, then how much more is expected of us towards our wife and family. Even in the times when we are upset, we still find and act out of relentless love towards our wife!

Furious Longing

Where do renegade husbands find the strength, vision, and encouragement to become and remain renegades? Only by daily chasing after God. How hard should you look? Remember last time you lost your wallet or credit card? A thump of panic is followed by a furious search mentally and physically combing every possible location until it is found. Proverbs 2:4 says this is EXACTLY how we are to chase after the wisdom to understanding the will of God! Daily. Furiously. Passionately. Mentally and physically searching after God’s heart for our lives and for our family!

Will you join me?
Will you be a Renegade Husband?

Would you take 2 minutes to answer our 10 question reader’s survey. (if you haven’t already) Its a great help in planning future topics and we would love to hear from you!

We want to hear from you! Would you help by completing this quick 10 question survey? Help us to know what topics and resources you are interested in! Thank you ~Brad & Kate

Kate says . . .

How many of you wives out there have something in your life you are passionate about?  Something that lights an internal flame that demands your attention?  A God prompting zeal that sets in motion a whole chain of events?  I do! God has done this several times in my life and each time I am in awe of how excited I am to be led into this new area God has called me!

Ladies, in my life I am done with the safe way of doing things! I am not sure if it is because I am getting older or if it is because of all the things God has shown me over the years. All of the experiences He has allowed me to dance through have shaped my world and the “rose colored glasses”  that I view the world through.

I want to walk through the rest of my days on earth with reckless abandonment, relentless tenderness, ruthless trust, and a furious longing for God’s will in all areas of my life!  These are all terms that reflect part of our loving Savior. They are in essence taking tenderness, trust and caution to the extreme.  They are radical!

Radical -One who advocates fundamental or revolutionary changes in current practices, conditions, or institutions.

What would it be like if we were radical like Jesus?  Not just radical in our kid raising, church volunteering, and scrapbooking.  What if we were radical about our marriage?  What if we sought after the heart of God for the marriage relationship with reckless abandonment?  Throwing caution to the wind along with our own selfish desires.  What if we loved our husband with relentless tenderness and ruthless trust?  What if we truly had a furious longing for God’s will in our marriage?  What if we brought the “Gospel into the Bedroom”? (Link to a great post by Hot Holy Humorous)

Brad and I have long had a theory that if churches spend more time on building, strengthening, challenging marriages as well as helping the hurting marriages, we would have better ministries all around.  Let me unpack that a bit . . . if we focused more on the marriage relationship in our churches, that would mean better marriages!  If we (the church) were a place for marriages to come when they need help getting through struggles and a place to grow and be challenged, then we would be a magnet into the community. Then when a husband and wife are moving forward on their one flesh journey, and they see themselves in a good place from getting the help they need, then they have more to give.  When they have more to give, then all of the ministries they are involved in will be blessed!

It is our hope that churches will make marriage ministry a top on their priority list.  Until then wives, we can start our own radical revolution.  Now don’t go burning your bras!  (Unless of course you want to burn some of your old ones and replace them with new, sexier ones . . . then by all means go for it!)  This is a radical, yet a very different revolution.

The Radical Wives’ Revolution

Set Aside Our Own Desires

As you go through your day, ask yourself if what you are doing , is from your selfish desire or does it align with God’s design for marriage.  Are your actions helping to pull you and your hubby together or is it pushing you further apart?

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others.”Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. (Philippians 2:3 NLT)

Respecting Our Husbands

I know, I know, I say it until I’m blue in the face.  Taking respect to heart and being radical about it will bless your marriage in ways you cannot fathom!  Find new ways to encourage, to uplift, and to show your husband how you respect him as the head of your family. It WILL be a blessing, because you are stepping our radically in obedience.

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, (1 Peter 3:1 NIV)

Make (or keep) Sex a Priority

Marriages where sex is celebrated, where it is a haven for the couple, experience growth and blessings beyond measure.  Anything that can do this is not going to be easy.  It was not for us for many years, and there may be challenges in our future, yet it is worth the time and attention.

Now regarding the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to abstain from sexual relations. But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.

The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.

Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. (1 Corinthians 7: 1-6 NLT)

Get On Our Knees

Yes, I mean prayer.  Be a praying wife!  Praying for your hubby, in all areas of his day and life.  Pray for YOU as his wife!  Pray scripture over your marriage.  Pray scripture over the things you struggle with.  Draw near to God and he will draw near to you!

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Philippians 4:6 NLT)

Be Radical

I am challenging you today to be radical!  In order to be radical, we have keep at it, with reckless abandonment.  Throughout history, many revolutions have taken place. Some for the good of the people and others were not. To be successful all of them kept going relentlessly towards their goal. We have to keep going ladies, with reckless abandonment towards awesome, God centered marriages.

Who is with me?

Even if you are not completely sure how to get there, who wants to be a radical wife, changing history with changed marriages? Makes me want to sing the song from Les Miserables!

“Will you join in our crusade?
Who will be strong and stand with me?
Beyond the barricade
Is there a world you long to see?”

I would love to hear your thoughts on being a radical wife!  Are you a radical wife? What make you radical? What goal are you going toward with reckless abandonment?

Kate says . . .

I don’t know about you, but I was a big fan of Brad’s idea in, Man Cave or Couple’s Cave.  Creating a space for the two of us, making it our own, enjoying it together-that would be so much fun!  If you have the extra space in your house, why not?  Of course there are many of you that do not have an extra room to dedicate to be a “couple’s cave” space. To be honest we are not at that point in our lives either.  I suppose we could use the family room, but that may be a bit awkward at family gathers and holidays. 

Even if you don’t have the extra space to create an elaborate couple’s retreat, there is always your bedroom!  A while back I made the transition from insanity in our bedroom, to sanctuary.  Now it is truly a space that we can go, after the kids are in bed, and just be us.  It is a sanctuary, a retreat, and it suits our one flesh personality.  It does not fit just my personality or Brad’s but it is build around the personality of our marriage.  If you haven’t read my post Sanctuary or Insanity, check it out.   I encourage all of you wives out there to consider if your bedroom is a sanctuary or does it cause you to feel insanity upon entering?

Maintaining the Sanctuary

Recently, life has been a bit hectic.  I am sure I am not alone in that feeling.  We all have many things on our plates that are vying for our attention.  It is easy to start falling into old habits.  For us, one of these old habits is leaving the bedroom mess and just closing the door.  Since I share this space with my amazing hubby’s, the stuff around the room may be mine and it may be his.  As I’m closing the door on the mess behind me I have a choice!

Choose to Bless Him

When life is busy and things are lying around, we have a choice to bless our hubby’s by helping them out or leaving them to fend for themselves.  It is the choice between generosity and selfishness!  I always try to keep in mind that my hubby is just as busy as I am and has the weight of our family on his shoulders.  I want to be a blessing to him!

2 Corinthians 9:11 says, “you will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God.”

10 Minute Round Up

One of the things that I have adopted in my life is to walk through my room each day and do a 10 minute round up.  Just 10 minutes-no more.  I look around and see what needs picked up off the floor, what needs put away and what needs straightened up a bit.  Then I go back to my regular day and feel a whole lot better about our room being ready for us in the evening.  It is only 10 minutes, but it is a very important 10 minutes that you are investing in “your” retreat space.

Whether you have a couple’s cave all decked out, or your bedroom is your current retreat, you can take 10 minutes a day to straighten up that space and bless your hubby and your marriage at the same time.  While you’re at it, pray for your hubby during those 10 minutes.  Pray for him at work and all that he does to take care of his family.  It is great way to do something physically to bless your hubby while praying for him at the same time.

Brad shared some great ideas for how to make your couples cave or bedroom a sanctuary.  I would love to hear some of  the things that has made your space special.  What have you added to your space or taken away from it, that has made a huge difference in the feel of your room?  I can’t wait to hear what you all have done with your space!

Brad says…

In case you don’t know a Man Cave is a male hide a way, such as a specially equipped den or basement where the guys can go to do as they please without fear of upsetting their wife’s sensibility about design, decor or cleanliness. It seems to be the new rage with men creating elaborate caves to retreat into.  I just wonder if the space and money couldn’t be used to design a more manly, more appealing “couple’s cave”!

Space or Hideaway

If you have a man cave or are planning one I have only one question. Is this supposed to be your space, or your hideaway?

Space

I understand that need and desire for a bit of space. I think that men do need the ability to look around and see their impact on their home. That is actually what makes it feel like home. If your cave is dedicated to a hobby, activity, or simply a family room with your style I suppose it could be a healthy addition to your home. However, if you are feeling like you need a space of your own within your own home I would suggest that this is something you need to talk about with your wife! Maybe the real root of the issue is the pink bedroom rather than the need for space?

Hideaway

All too often I hear men talking about and joking about going to their man cave to get away from their wife. If you are running to a man cave to get away, this is a problem. Men are already so frequently disengaged from their wife and family that adding a private location to escape to only magnifies the problem.

Couple’s Cave

I would like to suggest another idea. Maybe it will become the new cave craze. Rather then designing a top of the line man cave, create an exclusive, special, private “Couple’s Cave”.  Spend all of the space, time and energy in designing a space where just you and your wife can go to get away together. Think what fun it could be with the two of you together!

Design for the Perfect Couple’s Cave

• A door with a good lock!
• A sitting area for the two of you
• Pictures of just the two of you on the walls, or even special pictures of just one of you.
• A wine rack or fridge with all the supplies
• Special mood lighting
• A nice iPod speaker and CD player
• Skip the TV and think about getting Liberator Bedroom Adventure Gear from Sensuous Wife!
• This page show the liberator adventure line, on the sensuouswife.com and doesn’t contain nudity, but does have non-detailed drawings of couples using the products

You won’t be bringing the guys around to show off your new Cave, but trust me you will still be bragging about it!

What would you add to your perfect couple’s cave?

Brad says…

Kate’s post, “Sex on the Treadmill” drew the connection that getting out the “groove” of sex will have impacts on your marriage just like getting out of the habit of exercise will have impacts on your energy level. Since that post I have been wondering exactly how I should take this message to husbands. While, I’m not recommending trying sex on the weight bench, I do think that a man’s strength has a great deal to do with his mood, energy level, and yes even his sex life.

While I have been contemplating writing this post I have also been wrestling with back pain. Periodically I have a back issue that flairs up and limits my ability to do things and even my mobility. I’ll just move or step wrong and all the sudden I’m putting on a Leaning Tower of Piazza impression for a few days. During these times I have learned how much of an impact physical strength has on a man’s overall mood.

“Strong” is written into the male DNA, it is how God designed us. Want to encourage a guy? Tell him you appreciate his strength. (Guy’s I don’t recommend doing this to another man, it has inherently sexual overtones, hint hint wives!)

I am NOT saying that all real men are muscle bound bouncer looking guys! (In the words of Steve Carell, “Why, why do you need muscles on your shoulders like that?) I am simply pointing out that physical strength is an important component of every man’s self-image. If you do not feel strong for one reason or another it will have an impact on every area of your life.

Keep It In Mind

In a world where the average person is starting to look more like a circle then a rectangle, I think it is very important to remember our internal connection to feeling strong. If you have an injury, either temporary or permanent where you are unable to do some physical activities it is important to remember that this will “bleed” into other areas. I know when my back is giving me issues I tend to be argumentative and disagreeable. Now that I have identified these tendencies I can work to correct it. And now that Kate understands what goes on in my head when I’m laid up, she lets me know that she sees my strength even when I can’t lift anything for her.

Build It Up

I know that I always feel better emotionally, and yes even sexually when I have been getting exercise. This isn’t a post extolling the virtues of exercise but true is true! I feel better when I feel stronger.

Use it Correctly

Just because God build men stronger, and I’ve just written a whole post about how that is a good thing, I am not advocating using that strength inappropratly! Remember guys the standard to live by is “Love your wife as Christ loved the Church.” That is a strong love, but it is compassionate and tender in its strength!

Do other guys see the connecting between strength and self image?

Wives, do you tell your husband you think they are strong? How do they respond?