Sex: The Art of Offering More

Response to Sex: The Art of Asking for More
Kate says . . .

I am thinking that all of you wives out there could resonate with what Brad said in his last post. Perhaps some of you resonate with initiating sex and being shot down. But most of you probably resonate with having your husbands test the waters and seek out sex in those man methods that Brad listed. I agree with Brad that men need to work on how they communicate their intimate need to be connected to us through sex. What methods a husband uses to communicate his desire for sex to his wife, how she receives it and how she responds, tells you a great deal about intimacy in that marriage. But wives, we also have a responsibility in this, because we are the ones, who for the most part are shooting down our husbands when they come to us seeking intimacy!
I will admit that I was one of those wives. Brad would use these tactics or similar ones to initiate sex with me and I would think, “Ugh!! Really??” For me it was too abrupt and my mind was nowhere near sex! I think it was also that old familiar issue of mine called control! But usually my rudeness worked and Brad would realize sex was not going to happen! I have to tell you wives, that now I think back to those times and I cringe!! Literally, I cringe! I did not realize how selfish I was being and how much my rejection was hurting Brad! Honestly I was only thinking about me!!
When God was speaking to my heart to cling to Brad, we were having sex almost everyday. And for those of you wondering, yes, we still have sex pretty much everyday! There I said it! Back to the topic, when Brad and I were rediscovering each other, I started to realize that I was the only one who was initiating sex. Now, Brad was a very willing every time I did initiate, but I began to realize that he was never approaching me first. We would kiss, hold hands and be very sensual throughout the evening, but he would never make the first move. This really started to bother me and made me sad! Eventually, God spoke to my heart and showed me that this was a result of me shooting Brad down for so many years. Even in the years when sex was better in our marriage (1-2 times a week), I still was the one who would initiate it! Brad was always ready (as he says), but he waited for me to make it clear that sex was ok! Wow!! I never would have thought I was causing that much damage to my husband, by refusing him all those times!
Whenever something is on my heart, I have to share it with Brad. So in bed one night, I asked him why he never initiated sex with me (even though I knew in my heart the answer). God blessed us and we were able to talk through this whole issue of our intimate relationship! I asked Brad to forgive me for always shooting him down and exerting such control over our sexual intimacy! I also expressed that I very much wanted to take a back seat and let Brad lead in initiating as well lead in the bedroom in general. I spent way too many years leading in this area, and frankly did a poor job at it. God was showing me it was time to submit to my husband and let him be the head of us! He was showing me that I needed to lift Brad up and encourage him to seek me out and be free to explore our sexual intimate relationship!

As Brad said it took a long time of me encouraging him and taking the back seat. There was much healing that had to take place. I had to be a big part of the encouragement and healing! I kept reminding him that I loved him, that I wanted him to seek me out, that I loved his touch and that he was free to explore me! I also encouraged him to touch me at his will, even when he was not initiating sex, yet! 🙂  I had gotten so bad in my abrupt censure of Brad that I never really let him touch me and enjoy my body! So I spent lots of time encouraging him in that area. I found that I actually greatly enjoy being touched by Brad in a sensual way, even if we aren’t going to be able to have sex for awhile! As the scripture tells us in 1 Corinthians 7, my body is not mine, it is Brad’s!! And his body is not his, it is mine! I am sure I am making some of you blush right now, but I promised to always be open and honest!

Our husbands need to feel free to come to us when they desire us sexually!  Am I always going to available when Brad comes to me? No, but I certainly try my best! If I am doing something else, I say, “give me 10 minutes, and then I will meet you upstairs.” If I am not in the right mindset sometimes I will ask Brad to take a bath with me so I can relax and get more in the mood. I remind myself that nothing, NOTHING in my life, other then Jesus, is as important as my hubby and the one flesh connection I have with him! No cleaning, no TV show, no book, no Facebook, no nothing!!!
Not only do our husbands need to feel free to come to us when they desire us, they also need to feel confident in their ability to physically love us! Our husbands deeply desire the one flesh connection (that we many times vocalize as “romantic”) they have with us! It is not just about sex to them. But if we as wives are constantly shooting down their attempts at initiating sex with us, we are beating down their confidence, hurting their madhood and causing them to have pent up sexual desire! This wives, is a recipe for sin and hurt! None of us wants our husband to turn to other outlets for their sexual desires, but we are pushing them to that possibility when we keep pushing them away sexually!
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 says
“The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (NLT)
This scripture is so important to remind us of what God’s plan is for sex and intimacy in our marriages! To have the one flesh union he has described and blessed marriages with!
So ladies, are you the wife that I once was?, shooting down my husband most times he initiated sex with me! Do you say no to your husband or put him off constantly making excuses as to why sex is not going to happen, yet desire to have a “one flesh” connection with your hubby? To feel connected to him in every way possible, with every cell of your being you have to pray, seek God and ask him to help you change your habits. Seek out your husband daily with the intent of being intimate with him! The 10 Day Challenge is great, but the reality is it is only a tool to use to get your sex life on track. We should be shooting to have sex with our hubby’s everyday, if possible! We are woman, so I know that is not always possible, really I do! And we all have bad days or are sick at times, but really there should not be a whole host of other excuses you use! This is your marriage, this is your onefleshness we are talking about! For many of you, like me, you may need to ask forgiveness and encourage your hubby’s to once again initiate sex with you! He will be nervous that he will be shot down again, so you will need to help him through that!
As husbands and wives we all have our part in making or breaking marriage intimacy! I agree with Brad that hubby’s need to work on their communication style and level. But it cannot end there. We as wives need to stop putting sex, and our husbands for that matter, on the back burner. God has called us to fulfill our husband sexual needs. Period! There is not much wiggle room in that scripture and with good reason! God knows that when we are having sex, being intimate and putting our marriage second (behind only Him), we are “connected” we are “one flesh”. When we are in this state, there is less chance for sin to wedge its way in (not that it won’t try) and I know for Brad and I, we just feel close! There is nothing like feeling close and connected in your marriage! When I step back and look at that connection, I am in awe and know it is totally a God thing! He created this “one flesh” connection and it is so, so good!
So I challenge you wives, to think about how you respond to your husband when he initiates sex. Think about it and see where and how you can improve in that area! Intimacy in your marriage cannot and should not be neglected.  Try not to shoot him down anymore, assuming that he is still asking!
If he is not still asking, then you initiate, often and knock his socks off! I can guarantee he will love it and you will too! Pray for God’s help if this really a struggle for you. Know that I will be praying for all the wives reading OFM:
  • That they will be bold in loving their husbands intimately!
  • That they will not shy away from his advances.
  • That they will encourage him to keep initiating sex with them!
  • That they can enjoy regular sexual intimacy with their hubby! Building and strengthening their one flesh relationship!

 P.S.  I do realize and am not neglecting the fact that there are many reasons why wives (and husbands) have issues with sex and intimacy!  Those of you who have experienced hurt, regret, sexual abuse, infidelity, etc., I know that there are other things keeping you from saying “YES” when your hubby approaches you!  My heart goes out to you, but there is hope and healing in Jesus!  He wants to heal you and make your marriage wonderful, including repairing sex and intimacy!  I encourage all you ladies, if you have issues with sex, that run deep, please seek help/healing and moving past these issues so that you and your hubby can continue on your amazing  journey to a “one flesh” marriage!   
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11 Responses to Sex: The Art of Offering More

  1. none of those will get your wife "in the mood". At best they will help her to be willing to try to get in the mood .

  2. Ucornuta,
    Interesting comment. Not knowing more it is a bit hard to respond. (especially if you are coming from the perspective of husband or wife) But I'll give you a few thoughts, and encourage you to say more…

    1- Your assessment is correct, these techniques are designed to help wives "be willing to try to get in the mood". Which for many women is the exact challenge. Yes a lack of sexual desire can have many causes, but one for sure is what goes not in your head!
    2- If women find that they mentally are "in the mood" but do not experience the physical response that would be a great time to visit your Doctor to talk about possible causes. Many things, including birth control can restrict women's desire.
    3- This comment has the flavor of coming from a husband wishing their wife was more in the mood (I could be totally wrong here, but just suspicion) In that case I would encourage you to take a look at https://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/01/sex-art-of-asking-for-more.html to get a picture on how husbands can and should be asking for more sex.

    I would love to give you some more thoughts, please feel free to write another comment!
    Thanks for stopping by Ucornuta!

  3. Rob: This is where I am right now (every 3-4 mos) after a lot of personal reflection and change. What changed for you? How did your wife become so agreeable?

  4. Boy, I was so anticipating a reply to the comment Mouse made?????  That describes my wife to a T!!!

  5. Mouse: We don't know you or your husband, so you tell us: What is it you don't like about his body? Overweight (or even obese)? Facial hair? Breath and/or body odors? Small? Short? Tall? Pale?  There may be some things he can change and some he cannot, and he deserves to know – gently, but with certainty.

  6. Again – I am so happy that I found your site. I was led to my resolution to never refuse my husband on my own but am connecting so much with many of your posts. The affirmation that what I am doing will strengthen an already strong marriage really helps as I begin my journey. Initiating has never been my thing – but I will work on that as well!

    • Hi Trish! Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. We greatly appreciate them. God is so amazing and we will forever praise Him for all that He has done in our marriage. All Glory and Honor and Praise to our God! Keep seeking him as a wife and I know that he will bless you and your hubby on your one flesh journey! Blessings, Kate

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  8. Oh how I wish my wife would read what you have written here, but she won’t. She would regard it as “pressure” and then dismiss me as one-track minded. I gave up initiating years ago. I wouldn’t have a clue how to start now. She has total control, and it’s usually the off-switch.

    • Don’t feel like the Lone Ranger. I also quit asking years ago. I think it began with her telling me my every touch was painful, yet I wasn’t any different than I ever was previously. So my confidence was badly shaken. Then there were the routine excuses not to. And the humiliation of the – NO – was more than I could bear, and I decided to leave it up to her. So for the past I-lost-count-of-how-many-years, it’s been every 5 to 8 weeks. By then, I’m generally pretty short tempered and grumpy as hell, and she thinks it’s “been long enough, he must need it.” But most of the time, sex is he last thing on her mind.