Kate says . . .
So what do we do ladies when we wish, “The Libido Fairy
” would come and sprinkle a little of that dust on us? I am going to jump right in and start talking about something that most women have wrestled with in their marriage. For those of you women out there that have not . . . well you just keep on, keeping on, if you know what I mean!
For all the rest of you who have ever struggled with libido in your marriage, you are most likely in one of the following two camps. The Camp of: I Want the Libido Fairy to visit, badly! And the Camp of: I’m not so sure I want the Libido Fairy to visit.
The Camp of: I Want the Libido Fairy to Visit, Badly!
To those of you who want a vist from the Libido Fairy, I hear ya! I have been there and know what it’s like to want to be sexually intimate with your hubby and yet not be able to conjure up those feelings. Sex seems like a chore because you are not mentally in the mood and your body does not seem to respond physically. Here are a few things to try:
Make time to switch gears:
One of the number one thing we hear from women is that it is hard to switch gears from kids or work to hubby and intimacy. Make sure you make some time in your day to mentally switch gears. At some point, perhaps on the ride home or while making dinner, begin to mentally prepare yourself for time with your hubby. Specifically intimate time with him.
- Think about all the things about him that turn you on.
- Think about kissing him when you first see him after his work or yours.
- Think about him naked, for heavens sake!
Mentally make a shift in your brain to stop thinking about work or kids and think hubby. That does not mean you are going to attack him as soon as you see him, (although you could) but it gets your mind moving in the right direction for later in the evening!
Give yourself time to warm up:
Women simply need more time to warm up. We hear this ALL the time, so I know this is not news. But allow yourself time to warm up to the idea of sex with your hubby. When he comes and make his desire known, don’t immediately shoot him down. How do you know you are uninterested in sex if you haven’t even kissed? Take some time to explore the possibility with your hubby, literally! Try it and see!
Have sex often:
Ok, I know what you are thinking, but this really works. The more you have sex the more you want sex. The less sex you have, the less you want sex. Taking the time to make sure you and your hubby have sex often will help you to desire more sex. You would think that the less you have, would make you ravished for it, but that is simply not how God designed us. Don’t believe me? Experiment over the next month and see if having sex more often helps your libido.
How often is often? This is a question we get many times. While it is personal preference for both you and your husband, I would say aim for 2-3 times a week and adjust from there.
The Camp of: I’m Not So Sure I Want the Libido Fairy to Visit
To those of you who are thinking:
“Hmm do I really want the libido fairy to visit?”, or
“I could go the rest of my life without having sex and be perfectly happy.” and even
“I think our relationship is much better since we have stopped having regular sex”.
You are also not alone. To you I would offer a few suggestions:
Determine the Root of Your Lack of Sexual Intimacy:
When a person, man or woman, desires little to no sex there is something getting in the way. It may be mental, physical or spiritual, even a combination of the three. Perhaps you know some of the roots of the problem, but have no way of knowing how to work through the roadblock. Perhaps you are at a total loss as to why you have no desire for sex and no desire to see that change.
Seek Medical Advice:
First, I would suggest that any wife (or husband) that has no or chronically low sexual desire needs to seek a medical doctor’s advice. There are hormone levels in both women and men that drastically affect your sex drive. If your labido is on empty and has been that way for awhile, it is a good time to go to the doctor and get your hormone levels checked. This may sound frightening and embarrassing, but if your issues are medical, many times they can be helped pretty easily. Don’t stay in a place of embarrassment sacrificing your intimacy and your marriage. Be proactive and seek answers.
Find Third Party Help:
If seeking medical information does not lead to answers, I would suggest counseling. Marriage counseling with either a trusted Pastor or a Licensed Christian Counselor, trained in Christian sex therapy. There could be a past history of sexual abuse, past hurts from previous sexual relationships, past or present addictions, wrong feelings about sexual intimacy in general and so on. Having a third party help you to talk through things and identify possible roadblocks can be a great help. This also can help you and your hubby to talk through the past hurts the low sexual desire may have caused in your spouse. Whether it is you or your hubby who has the lack of desire, the past hurts must be talked about and dealt with to move forward. This is a brave step and one that speaks loudly to how much you want to fight for your marriage.
Once you have found hope and healing from the root of your issues, remember that you may need to go back and look at some of the things I suggested above from the other camp. I know if I let myself stop thinking about sex and intimacy with my hubby I can easily slip into a thinking everything else is more important.
Make Sex a Priority:
Now that as we have made sex a priority in our marriage, libido or not, I want the connection with my hubby! I need to feel the closeness that only sexual intimacy can bring to our marriage. As expressly created by God and talked about in His word. I also have to share, that I get kinda cranky when I have to go a long period of time without sex with my wonderful hubby. When sexual intimacy is in the proper place it deserves in your marriage, you will notice the absence of it easily and desire to make sure you have time for it.
If you have issues with libido, seek help, don’t just accept the fact that you have a low libido. I hear so many woman who say that they have low libido and have very little desire to change it. Why is that?
Is your awesome hubby not worth figuring that out?
Are you not worth it?
Most importantly is your one flesh union not worth it?
God desires for all of the one flesh unions to have wonderful sex all of their married days!
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