Do I Want the Libido Fairy to Visit?

Kate says . . .
So what do we do ladies when we wish, “The Libido Fairy” would come and sprinkle a little of that dust on us? I am going to jump right in and start talking about something that most women have wrestled with in their marriage. For those of you women out there that have not . . . well you just keep on, keeping on, if you know what I mean!

For all the rest of you who have ever struggled with libido in your marriage, you are most likely in one of the following two camps. The Camp of: I Want the Libido Fairy to visit, badly! And the Camp of: I’m not so sure I want the Libido Fairy to visit.

The Camp of: I Want the Libido Fairy to Visit, Badly!

To those of you who want a vist from the Libido Fairy, I hear ya! I have been there and know what it’s like to want to be sexually intimate with your hubby and yet not be able to conjure up those feelings. Sex seems like a chore because you are not mentally in the mood and your body does not seem to respond physically. Here are a few things to try:

Make time to switch gears:
One of the number one thing we hear from women is that it is hard to switch gears from kids or work to hubby and intimacy.  Make sure you make some time in your day to mentally switch gears. At some point, perhaps on the ride home or while making dinner, begin to mentally prepare yourself for time with your hubby. Specifically intimate time with him.
  • Think about all the things about him that turn you on.
  • Think about kissing him when you first see him after his work or yours.
  • Think about him naked, for heavens sake!

Mentally make a shift in your brain to stop thinking about work or kids and think hubby. That does not mean you are going to attack him as soon as you see him, (although you could) but it gets your mind moving in the right direction for later in the evening!

Give yourself time to warm up:

Women simply need more time to warm up. We hear this ALL the time, so I know this is not news. But allow yourself time to warm up to the idea of sex with your hubby. When he comes and make his desire known, don’t immediately shoot him down. How do you know you are uninterested in sex if you haven’t even kissed? Take some time to explore the possibility with your hubby, literally! Try it and see!

Have sex often:
Ok, I know what you are thinking, but this really works. The more you have sex the more you want sex. The less sex you have, the less you want sex. Taking the time to make sure you and your hubby have sex often will help you to desire more sex. You would think that the less you have, would make you ravished for it, but that is simply not how God designed us. Don’t believe me? Experiment over the next month and see if having sex more often helps your libido.

How often is often?   This is a question we get many times. While it is personal preference for both you and your husband, I would say aim for 2-3 times a week and adjust from there.

The Camp of: I’m Not So Sure I Want the Libido Fairy to Visit

To those of you who are thinking:
“Hmm do I really want the libido fairy to visit?”, or
“I could go the rest of my life without having sex and be perfectly happy.” and even 
“I think our relationship is much better since we have stopped having regular sex”.
You are also not alone. To you I would offer a few suggestions:

Determine the Root of Your Lack of Sexual Intimacy:

When a person, man or woman, desires little to no sex there is something getting in the way.  It may be mental, physical or spiritual, even a combination of the three. Perhaps you know some of the roots of the problem, but have no way of knowing how to work through the roadblock. Perhaps you are at a total loss as to why you have no desire for sex and no desire to see that change.

Seek Medical Advice:
First, I would suggest that any wife (or husband) that has no or chronically low sexual desire needs to seek a medical doctor’s advice. There are hormone levels in both women and men that drastically affect your sex drive. If your labido is on empty and has been that way for awhile, it is a good time to go to the doctor and get your hormone levels checked. This may sound frightening and embarrassing, but if your issues are medical, many times they can be helped pretty easily.  Don’t stay in a place of embarrassment sacrificing your intimacy and your marriage. Be proactive and seek answers.
Find Third Party Help:
If seeking medical information does not lead to answers, I would suggest counseling. Marriage counseling with either a trusted Pastor or a Licensed Christian Counselor, trained in Christian sex therapy. There could be a past history of sexual abuse, past hurts from previous sexual relationships, past or present addictions, wrong feelings about sexual intimacy in general and so on. Having a third party help you to talk through things and identify possible roadblocks can be a great help. This also can help you and your hubby to talk through the past hurts the low sexual desire may have caused in your spouse. Whether it is you or your hubby who has the lack of desire, the past hurts must be talked about and dealt with to move forward. This is a brave step and one that speaks loudly to how much you want to fight for your marriage.
Once you have found hope and healing from the root of your issues, remember that you may need to go back and look at some of the things I suggested above from the other camp. I know if I let myself stop thinking about sex and intimacy with my hubby I can easily slip into a thinking everything else is more important. 
Make Sex a Priority:
Now that as we have made sex a priority in our marriage, libido or not, I want the connection with my hubby! I need to feel the closeness that only sexual intimacy can bring to our marriage. As expressly created by God and talked about in His word. I also have to share, that I get kinda cranky when I have to go a long period of time without sex with my wonderful hubby. When sexual intimacy is in the proper place it deserves in your marriage, you will notice the absence of it easily and desire to make sure you have time for it.

If you have issues with libido, seek help, don’t just accept the fact that you have a low libido. I hear so many woman who say that they have low libido and have very little desire to change it. Why is that?

Is your awesome hubby not worth figuring that out?
Are you not worth it?
Most importantly is your one flesh union not worth it?

God desires for all of the one flesh unions to have wonderful sex all of their married days!

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12 Responses to Do I Want the Libido Fairy to Visit?

  1. Please keep in mind that women are not the only ones who suffer from low libido.  Most articles like this focus on low-drive women with high-drive husbands, but the reality is that there are plenty of marriages where this dynamic is reversed.  Articles that ignore this fact can often make wives of low-drive husbands feel even more inadequate and abnormal than they already do.

  2. Hi Kees!  Thanks for writing and sharing your thoughts.  You are absolutely right in that many men also experience low libido.  While they are a big minority, they are still the minority to women with low libido.  The main reason that I came from this approach is because I am a woman and I have struggled with low libido at times in my marriage.  OFM blog is unique in that we each write and come at the subject from the different husband/wife thoughts.  So that is why my post was speaking mostly to woman who experience low libido.  I have never been a man and do not know what it is like for them to experience low libido.  I would imagine because of the way God has designed us differently, it would be very different.  I did reference many times in this blog, about husbands and wives expriencing low libido.  Not just women.  So while I hear your pain, I don't feel I ignored the issue at all, but I also chose not to talk about the issue of wives dealing with their husbands low libido in this paticular article.  I did look at wives dealing with a husband with low libido in my article "Sex: When Your Hubby is Lacking the Desire".  I will attach a link to this article for you to check out!The real reason that Brad and I write this blog, is because we feel God tugging on our hearts to do so.  To share our story, to make ourselves vulnerable and to bring light to the dark places in marriage.  To talk about the issues in marriage that cause hurt, frustration, sadness, joy, laughter and pleasure, so that a journey to a one flesh marriage can be nurtured.  The truth is people do not talk openly enough about low libido on both sides of the spectrum.  While there is more out there for women to read, there is not enough that encourages hope and healing!  I hear great pain in your statement above and I want you to know that I hear you and I will pray for you!  While my post was directed at wives this time, you can take everything I have said and turn it around for husbands.  It was never my intention to make anyone feel more inadequare or abnormal.  Not only would I be saddened by that, but it is simply not true.  Low libido is something people have been dealing with since the beginning of time.  There is help out there for both husbands and wives experiencing this.  That is what Brad and I have been trying to convey in our posts.  There is hope and there is help!  Our hope is that our blog brings . . . hope!  God can overcome any challenge in your marriage.    Blessings!  Kate 

  3. I am 49 years old, postmenopausal, continue to have hot flashes several times a day, mother of 3, ages 16-21. I have no interest in sex whatsoever and my husband is very hurt by my lack of response to him. I do the trick of waiting until he's asleep to getting in bed so he won't ask sex of me.  My gynecologist prescribed lubricant hormone for me to use, but I don't want to, because I fear it will make me feel horny and inappropriate- (crazy, right?) I find sex boring, gross and painful. I believe this gradually started because after having an orgasm,  the next day I would suffer from bladder spasms most of the day. I was given a prescription of Macrodantin to manage this, but frankly, I just don't want to experience this discomfort and pain for something I find not enjoyable at all. My husband hints that if this keeps on, he could leave me after 23 yrs of marriage. We are Christians and this is unacceptable for both of us, but I fear he may do so anyway. The few times we have had sex recently, I complain all the time during the act (!) "I really don't want to do this, or when is this over? or do we have to…? "   I read about people having sexual needs. I completely don't remember what those are…

  4. In men, and a minority of women, desire leads to arousal. HOWEVER, it is now becoming clear that this is not the norm for women. In most women, desire actually FOLLOWS arousal. This means many women start to want sex after foreplay starts. It also means if they way to feel desire, they will have very little sex.

    Some women learn to understand that they will want it, and greatly enjoy it, if they just start. This sounds odd, but it is the experience of many. It would be like not desiring chocolate until you eat a bit, and then getting great pleasure out of the chocolate, and a desire to consume more. Once you accepted this, you could enjoy chocolate at will.

  5. Hi Paul and Lori,
    Yes!!!  I could not agree with you more and I am so glad you shared this information and analogy.  Shannon Ethridge talks about this in her book, The Sexually Confident Wife!  And I love when she challenges us women that we really should not turn our hubby’s down flat unless we have at least gotten to first base.  When our hubby’s come and make their desire’s known, it is easy for us to turn them down flat because we do not yet share the desire.  But for woman the desire usually comes after you have begun being aroused.  So kiss your hubby and “fool” around a bit before you assume you are not interested!  I have found this to be sound advice and share it with many woman, when we chat about intimacy!  I hope you don’t mind, but I may use the chocolate analogy as well, since women tend to relate so well to anything chocolate!  J  Although Brad laughed when he read your comment, because I don’t like chocolate.  Yes, I am one of those rare women out there who does not!  But truly thanks for sharing!  Blessings, Kate
    Here is the link to Shannon Ethridge’s book, The Sexually Confident Wife
    And be sure to check out Paul and Lori’s site on everything dealing with sexual intimacy and the marriage bed!  Brad and I consider it to be the number 1 resource available, anywhere! 

  6. Thank you Kate and "the Marriage Bed" for your answers.  I found it amusing you spoke of taking medications, as I am an RN and have to tell others to comply with their Dr.'s prescriptions. Yet I remain non- compliant.
    You compared desire to eating chocolate – I, too, don't eat chocolate, but that's because I lost 40 lbs about 4 years ago and love maintaining my figure. So to me, sex is similar in that I am fearful of starting – with chocolate the pain would be weight gain; sexually, it's the fear of pain during and after the act. How do I brainwash myself to enjoy it?
    Plus, I still have this, admittedly strange, notion that sex is "evil" and wrong – even though this is with my loving husband. Chastity is still considered to be a very high virtue and I feel like it's wrong to have sex any more. Maybe, subconsciously, it's because I cannot get pregnant any more so the procreative side of lovemaking is over???

  7. Additionally, I do want to add that while I don't feel sexual needs, I do have physical needs. I am addicted to exercising on a daily basis and go to the gym for two hours to burn off my daily 1800 calories on the elliptical trainer. I feel anxious if I don't do this.  I also follow a somewhat strict mostly vegan, low fat, low sodium, no sugar, no white carbs diet. This makes me "no fun to be with", as my children have said. If my husband wants to take me to a party, my immediate response is a feeling of threat. I am threatened by the fact that I will be offered alcohol and people will think me strange for refusing – I do this not for any moral reasons, but because of the the calories in alcohol I don't want to consume. Additionally, I am stressed that the food will be such as I don't eat –  i.e. going to a party that is serving pasta or lasagna is not something I will eat. I frequently pack my own food with me, which my husband states is rude. Thus I prefer to avoid these situations. Additionally, you may have noticed this about me, I have few barriers about myself and will open up to almost complete strangers about the most intimate details in my life. (As an RN, I did NOT violate patient confidentiality, which is morally wrong; I have no issues doing this about myself – although I realize as I write this, that I am breaking confidences about my poor long-suffering husband)  So here too I don't want to drink and expose myself even more or even put myself in such a position where I am telling everything about myself. My husband is hurt by my behavior, but has adjusted by going to events by himself.
    Additionally, we have been so hurt financially by the economy, that at this point it is a choice whether to buy food or gas at our home. We have no money for any therapy and our high deductible insurance doesn't cover it.

  8. Hello,
    This is a very nice blog post. I really liked reading it. I think all your ideas and advice are very useful and I am sure that many people would be highly benefited from it.

  9. I fall into this category…  And you hit it right on for me – Every book, article, etc focus on low-drive for women.  It only adds to the "bad" feelings I already have about my husband not having any desire for me.

  10. Hi Nik!  I hear you on this one!  I think we all fight those kind of feelings with some part of our life and marriage.  I had a great friend tell me the other day that she cannot read any of our blog, because her marriage is in such bad shape and it just hits too close to home.  So we all have those specific posts that just really "hurt".  Check out my link above on wives dealing with their husbands low libido!  You are not alone out there, for sure!  The challenge is moving forward and finding healing!  Know that my heart goes out to you!  I will pray for you and your hubby!  Blessings, Kate

  11. I have a different approach to my wife’s low sex drive (note: wife says that she does NOT have a low drive, just different). I have been working on lowering my sex drive to match her drive. I exercise, focus on hobbies, enjoy our grandchildren and remodel our home. I cannot change my wife but I can certainly work on changing me. I do not understand why marriage sites avoid this option for couples…