Intimacy in the Husband’s World of Infertility

Knowing that infertility can have a huge impact on a couples intimacy, we asked our good friends Becky and Keith to share their story. Becky discussed their struggles in, “Intimacy in the World of Infertility“. Today Keith shares what it was like for him, and many husbands walking the same road.

Keith says. ..

Looking back now it all seems so long ago, but I remember it as if it were yesterday…..

“Let’s turn around, I can’t do this again”.  I didn’t really understand what she just said. We had been doing this for months now and I was sure this was it, this was going to be the one that worked, we were going to be pregnant for sure. “Are you sure that’s what you want?” I asked. “Yes, I just can’t go through all of it over again”.

That’s all I needed to hear. I was so relieved because she wouldn’t be so hurt and upset again at the end of each month. I was glad that we just might enjoy our time a little more now than wait to see what was going to happen instead. We made a choice that day that would change the course of this whole infertility forever. We were done…..
I can’t say that changed how we looked at this “problem” that we had, but it changed our lives for sure. You have all read how monotonous our sex life became, it just wasn’t fun anymore and we even stopped having sex for a time. I couldn’t or didn’t want to see the reason behind this new thinking of Becky’s. If I wasn’t so selfish I would have seen it. Sex meant having a baby. I just wanted it to be fun again, but it wasn’t. It started taking a toll on the both of us. We would fight over the littlest of things and the dumbest of things. We couldn’t even tell you what started it or why, it’s just how it was. I remember back when we were close to being married seven years and Becky had made a comment, wondering if I had the seven year itch.  I was blown away and frankly angered by the thought!  That just because we couldn’t have kids and we fought about it, that she thought I would leave her.  I married her for better or worse, kids would complete a family, but she and I were IT!  So what!!!!  We didn’t have biological kids, we would adopt.
People would always give us advice on either having kids or adopting kids, but it always got to me because they had no problems having kids of their own.  Isn’t it funny how everyone is an expert on things they have no clue about. Don’t get me wrong the words of encouragement were great, but let’s get real it wasn’t changing anything. Everyone else was having kids all around us. We were the couple that loved to be in nursery or work with the youth group just so we could be around everyone else’s kids. It would ease the pain for a little but we still went home with no kids. Our friends and family could see us hurting but we put on a great facade for everyone else. Sorry, but this is what it became. But there was a close group of friends who knew us better than most and they could see it, as well as our Sunday school class. They stuck with us through thick and thin.
Our church family at the time was small and intimate, and we as a church took care of each other. We grew as a husband and wife through the support of our church and having God by our side. Our friends and Sunday school class were a huge reason why. Our pastor and his wife are simply the best you’ll find anywhere. They made us a part of their family and had us spend time with their kids. I thought they were just being nice and comforting but they were teaching us for the future. They were leading us, as examples of parenting and how to raise a family under God. I didn’t realize this until later on down the road.
As you read in Becky’s post, our pastor wanted us to come up front so they could pray for us.  Becky doesn’t like being in front of everyone but what could it hurt. Right? I knew that our family and close friends would come up and pray with us but I was blown away that the whole church stood up and came up and laid hands on us, asking God to bless us through this situation. I started to cry and couldn’t contain my emotion thinking that everyone loved us and cared for us. I had watched all their kids grow up and we loved every one of them and to see that they loved us in return was mind blowing. That day our lives changed forever!
The peace that God gives you when you turn things over to him is amazing. We all have heard it before but until we actually do it, you cannot comprehend how amazing it is. Philippians 4:6-9
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me — put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” (NIV)
As our pastor said to me this past Fathers Day. “I couldn’t ever imagine you without kids”. Frankly neither could I.
Becky and Keith are really great friends of ours who have a similar “one flesh marriage” mindset. They have been exceedingly encouraging and supportive to both of us as we have started our ministry. They have two children, ages 7 and 3 and live in Lancaster County, PA – 3 doors down from us! Aren’t we lucky?! We love you guys!
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