The Libido Fairy

Have you had a visit from the mythical Libido fairy recently? Do you feel like you have been given a double portion and your wife missed her dose entirely? How can you get the Libido fairy to visit more often? How can we husbands really get our wives to desire more sexual intimacy the way that we do? Here are a few ideas to try to entice the libido fairy to make an extra stop and remember your wife’s dose too.

 

Time

Time is the one resource we cannot earn or buy more of, we are all allotted only 24 hours per day. This is why time is precisely the resource that best shows what your priorities really are. When you are asked to do something what is your most common excuse? “I’m too busy”? Let’s face it we are all really busy!
Between work, kid’s activities, church and volunteer meetings, sleep and whatever else is in your world, it is no wonder that we all say we are, “too busy”. Many times we even say we are too busy for our spouses, and I would believe that except for one fact. Every day the average American watches four hours of TV. Yes, we busy Americans find a way to squeeze 4 hours of watching cop dramas, dancing stars, singing wannabes, and million dollar athletes into our busy schedule. If you dream about having more sexual intimacy with your wife, take my word for it. It won’t happen on commercial breaks!
Stop making the excuse of being too busy, turn off the boob tube ūüôā and turn on the next two concepts.

Romance

Remember the guy who picked up your future wife for your first date? The nervous guy, seeking to make a good first impression, hoping only to survive to date number two? You may not remember him, but your wife sure does! Maybe it is time to find that guy again. I have a theory that all guys can be romantic and most of us even enjoy it. We just get stuck in the day to day routine and forget to even try. Now that you have found some free time, use some of it to plan some romantic time together. Forget what that looks like? Think dinner for two, in a quiet place with no TV’s. Maybe even your own kitchen table if you take time to ditch the kiddos for an evening and clean up enough to wow her! Plan a date or even a getaway weekend if you can!

Communication

How long has it been? A week? A month? Longer? No wooing, no romance, no time will overcome long term entrenched issues with sexual intimacy. If decreased sex has been an issue for a majority of your marriage then you are going to need to schedule some time to talk about the issue. A few guidelines:

  • Talk without pressure, don’t expect the conversation to lead to the bedroom.
  • While your focus might be on sex hers probably is not. Talk about what you are feeling, thinking, learning, praying about even what God has been challenging you on. 
  • Try to remember that sexual intimacy is only a thermometer for your overall relationship health, focus on the rest of your relationship first!
  • Talk about all areas of intimacy: spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and eventually physical.
  • After you have been talking for a minimum of the time it would have taken you to watch your favorite show, then and only then you can ask, “I would really like to grow our sexual intimacy together, what can I do to help us have the time, romance, passion, and communication it takes for us do that?”
  • Keep your mouth closed and LISTEN to her answer. If you asked with a sincere desire to help the two of you find time, romance, passion, and communication then you will learn a few things that could help!

If all else fails, or your not ready to give up watching “The Bachelor” then work to uncover any other areas of intimacy that need to be developed, emotional, spiritual, and intellectual intimacy all need to be present and in good health before the libido fairy will make frequent visits!

Be sure to visit Kate’s reply post, “Do I Want the Libido Fairy to Visit?

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14 Responses to The Libido Fairy

  1.  I'm increasingly convinced these type of shows are 'porn' for women. They achieve some artificial emotional connection without significant effort on the part of the viewer, raising the relational expectations of the viewer whose partner can not compete with the show's production team and ability to edit and discard moments/clips deemed undesirable.

  2. Ok, I'm going to have to pass off that comment for Kate to talk about in a later post. While I was spoofing with "the Bachelor" in my last comment, I was really writing to husbands who watch quite a bit themselves. And if the bachelor is porn for women, then CSI and many of the others get awfully close for us guys! Yet another reason to find the off button!

    Sent from my iPad

  3. I'm not against turning off the TV or computer or putting down the tablet or phone.  I'm not sure I agree with CSI and many others being close to 'porn'; waste of time Рyes; stimulating to exclusion of and competition to a wife -only in excess.  Part of my thought process is the expectation of the spouse to become more like that of the program (my wife should be more willing and eager to do a specific action for pornography, my husband should be more 'romantic' like in the show) and the inability of the non-watching spouse to measure up to the new expectations of the watcher.  Just like my wife can't maintain a figure of a professional pornstar, I can not finance a spontaneous trip to Bora Bora for just the two of us.  I can not comprehend  how CSI or even SportsCenter raises my expectations of her. 
    I enjoy both yours and Kate's insights.  Thank you. 

  4. It isn't always her…¬† what about when his libido fairy has gone on a long term sabatical?

  5. Hi FatherOf4!  This is Kate, thought I might add some of my thoughts!  I will start with the shows that women tend to get hooked on.  Yes, they are addictive and yes they portray a romaticised version of marriage and life.  The Bachelor is attractive because it is in the beginning stages of a relationship and the romance is very appealing to women.  Not to mention it is called "reality tv" but in all reality, it is only what the producers want you to see.  I would share with wives, that it is not real (the same as porn) and the exspectations set in those shows will only harm your marriage.  You will compare your hubby to the early

  6. Hi Grasping at Straws!  You are so right!!  It is not always the wives that struggle in this area.  Though statistically it tends to be more woman, men also struggle with sex drive.  Men actually make up a pretty big minority.  I spoke directly to this issue  in my post: ex: Remove the Roadblock, 7 things that could hinder your sex life

  7. Kate, I tend to agree with you on the 'CSI' type shows.  Not only are the women dressed as you say, but the men are as well.  Also notice that the majority of the casts are young.  Usually there is the token 'senior' member of the staff, but the balance seems to be in the "young and hot" realm.  Not realistic at all.

  8. Hi lookin2Him!  Thanks for writing and sharing your thoughts!  I agree with you very much!  The thing we have learned in our marriages is this:  is it really what we want to fill our minds with for an hour and thus waist our time together!  We have shared many times that we waisted many, many hours in front of the TV.  We now hardly ever turn on the TV and our marriage has benefited greatly.  Not only how much people are watching but what they are watching is greatly affecting them even if they don't think it is!  And I agree that it is very unrealistic!  Thanks again for sharing!  Blessings!  Kate 

  9. Brad/Kate: I agree 'Sex sells' (sometimes).  However, I wonder if it is Sex they are selling or the allure of a content and successful life of which a sexual relationship is a large part.  Men and women are built for relationships and sexuality is an integral part of who God created us to be.  
    Kate Рthe ads and show are trying to convey a message regarding their view of the world.  CSI and similar shows use attractive actors and actresses so viewers will watch.  Churches use candy and activities so people (children) will listen.  I can fault neither group for fulfilling temporary desires to communicate long term goals.
    Promoting an intimate sexual relationship with others outside of marriage is wrong.  However, I have failed to see where the Bible defines what is 'lots of skin' and that the viewing of 'lots of skin' is wrong.   I, and other Christians, would argue that this prohibition of 'lots of skin' is actually a promoter of objectification and pornography among the Saved and unsaved alike.

  10. FatherOf4
    I'm so glad that you came back and replied! I have to admit I am curious if any other readers would agree with your assertion that "I, and other Christians, would argue that this prohibition of 'lots of skin' is actually a promoter of objectification and pornography among the Saved and unsaved alike."

    If you have read any of our story, you will know that I was a TV enthusiast for many years. I actually didn't chafe that habit because of the issue of sexual immorality, I did it as this post states because of the time it was taking away from my striving for a one flesh marriage. Just for the record CSI was one of my favorites and one of the last to go in my weening process. It has only been since my transition that I have been able to notice the powerful place that sex, flesh, and allure has in many of these shows.

    While the Bible is not clear with a definition of "lots of" or "too much skin" it is clear that lust is a serious problem, one that will steal, kill and destroy. I disagree with your illusion that a little bit of skin helps us not fall into pornography. I would really challenge any Christian to analyze the influence exposure to lurid story lines and images is having on their thought life. If you disagree I would love to hear your point of view, debate is a great way for all of us to learn!
    Thanks,
    Brad

  11. First, I think we need to set some definitions
    Lust –¬†a¬†passionate¬†or¬†overmastering¬†desire¬†or¬†craving
    Pornography (porn) –¬†writings,¬†pictures,¬†films,¬†etc,¬†designed¬†to¬†stimulate¬†sexual¬†excitement

    This is where CSI fails the porn test.  I don't see anyone who claims that the primary purpose of CSI is to stimulate sexual excitement.  If we are calling anything with sexual excitement in it as porn, then the Bible also fits that bill.  I'm hesitant to call the Bible 'porn'.  The Bachelor, I called emotional 'porn'.  It is designed to stimulate 'emotional' excitement.

    I agree with the statement, anything that draws a viewer's attention is too much.  However, those who have been desensitized to certain body parts will no longer notice additional exposure.  And once again we have no fixed standard, so anything from the Burqa to the Bikini could be modest or could be immodest  (for women to wear).  For example, I moved to the beach from middle America.  I've gone to Hooters restaurant both times.  Before I moved, I was slightly embarrassed at the outfits.  Since I've moved, I'm wondering why they dress so conservatively.  The outfits didn't change, to what I'm sensitive, did (and neither time did I lust after anyone in the store.)

    God made men and women to appreciate the human figure (see Adam with the presentation of Eve, Isaac with the presentation of Rebekkah.)  The choice to lust is a decision that the viewer makes, regardless of how the viewed appears.

    I find it interesting that the US is the country with least amount of social nudity, yet produces and consumes the most pornography per capita.  And that Utah is the state with the biggest consumption also has one of the most prohibitive sexual cultures.       

    TBC

  12. When my eldest daughter was reproved for being too immodest at her friend's church's function in the same out fit that wouldn't draw any attention at our church's, I started looking at a Biblical definition of modesty.  What I found was that the Biblical definition doesn't appear to match what the 'traditional' US church's definition.  From what I can tell, due to the onset of gnosticism, the Victorian age, and indoor plumbing our sense of modesty has changed from not wearing extravagant clothing to draw attention (Biblical meaning) to preventing others from seeing nipples (females only) and genitals.  As a result, we have promoted the objectification of women and the 'perversion' of men.

    I would recommend the reading of two web sites (neither of which I am affiliated with) 
    http://thebiblicalnaturist.blogspot.com/2010/09/objectification-of-women-part-1.html
    I do not entirely agree with either, but they offer a perspective that is significantly different than mainstream churches and their perspective is worth considering.
    Disclaimers
    I apologize for pointing this board/forum/blog in a direction not originally intended by the author.   I don't watch CSI either, but not because it's sexual content, but find most TV watching to be a waste of time.