3 Things for When you are Hurting in your Marriage

Kate says . . .

The loneliness is all encompassing. No matter which way you turn it seems to be there nipping at your heals. The cloud of darkness that follows your one flesh journey is ever hovering. You look to the other wanting desperately to reach out, for this to be the time that changes everything and yet you don’t. You won’t let yourself be vulnerable again and so you self-protect.

Your dreams were beautiful. Not dreams of an unrealistic fairy land, but of a closeness that surpassed any human relationship you have. There were glimpses of it, even encounters with it. Those moments held so much more then emotions, they were spiritual. The making of one flesh.

Yet now each move seems to pull that cloud along and we just want to escape it. Yet each in our own way. How do we reach the light from here?

Brad and I have been there in our marriage. From what our readers share, many of them have been as well.

If you read our last series 3 Things You Need to Know About Struggling with Low Desire and 3 Things Higher Sex Drive Spouses Wish Their Spouse Knew, then you know what I have described above, we have experienced. One of the most popular questions we get is, “How do I deal with all of this? What am I supposed to do?”

It really doesn’t matter what the issue is or what side of the issue you are. There are things you can do in this battle to pull for your marriage. The battle my friend is not against each other but against the enemy who wants to destroy your marriage. Keeping you in the lonely dark place is exactly how he wants to do that. Here are three things you CAN do. And as Brennan Manning so poignantly pointed out, choosing not to do things that are positive for your marriage, you are in fact making a choice!3 Things for When you are Hurting in

Battle Cry

Do you have one? I read a book not too long ago that encouraged us all to have a scripture that is our “battle cry.”

Do you have a scripture memorized that you can say to yourself when you are discouraged, lonely, feel like you are traveling this marriage journey alone and feel that cloud looming over head?

We took this idea and not only came up with ones for ourselves, but had our kids choose one too. My battle cry is: No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. (Romans 8:37 NIV)

I have it printed on a canvas right next to my bed and I say it to myself often. God’s word is good and it is there to help us. I would challenge you to pick a battle cry and remember the power that is in God’s word!

Do Not Isolate

When things are hard and we can’t seem to figure them out, there are two things that keep us for reaching out. Shame and Pride. They go so well together and yet they keep us tied down and leave us very vulnerable.

When you are struggling in your marriage- REACH OUT! Don’t isolate from others including your spouse. Seek the help of other trusted couples. We talk about this so often and yet it is the one I feel most often gets ignored or brushed aside. God made us to do life and marriage in community. Stop resisting the very thing God might use to change your marriage. Get yourself into a marriage community and don’t let anything take that away. Jesus kept himself in community with his disciples. The son of God needed community, why do you think you don’t?

Challenge yourself

The only person you can work on and change is you.

It is a simple truth and one of the hardest to do. On the other hand, you as a believer have Christ in you and with that you can do ALL things. I challenge you to make a list of things you can do to better love and serve your spouse they way they need and want. Not the way you think or the way you want, but the way they need. If you truly are stumped (and I don’t believe that many of you are) then be bold and ask your spouse how you can better love and serve them. Be the change you want to see in your own marriage. Be the change!

“But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait patiently. In the same way, the spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.” Romans 8:25,26 -NIV

Hang on to that my friend! God is with you and wants good things for your marriage. It is the simple truth!

Is there anything you would add to my list of things that will help you in marriage when you are hurting?

We’d love to hear your thoughts.

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11 Responses to 3 Things for When you are Hurting in your Marriage

  1. Let me tell you that God used this post to answer my prayer. I’d been thinking today that maybe it was best to just end almost 16 years with my husband. I was feeling that maybe we couldn’t come back that all hope was lost. I will admit today I began to isolate myself, to distance myself, to try to avoid the hurt, pain, isolation and loneliness and the rejection. So I got full of pride, told myself I didn’t have to put up with it any longer.

    Funny thing is when I was thinking all this earlier today and writing in my journal, venting my feelings. The Holy Spirit whispered in my ear that the battle wasn’t between my husband and I, that it was the enemy, we we were fighting, but my feelings drowned out the Holy Spirit’s voice. I actually told my husband last night in a heated discussion that he was allowing the enemy to win and run rapid with his thoughts, feelings and emotions but that just escalated it even more. How and why is it that when the person that’s trying to be level headed points out the fact that what’s going on is the enemy, that incites the irrational person even more, who refuses at that moment to even acknowledge how the enemy tries to disrupt our lives.

    But again I thank God for you and this blog. I was about to quit, the devil almost won.

    • After more than 25 years of marriage, I had hoped that the struggles would cease, but that isn’t the case. It is so important to recognise who the enemy of our souls and marriage is. Otherwise we will continually blame our spouse for everything that is going wrong. I have thought about leaving the marriage, but the alternatives don’t seem much better, so it feels best to stay put. However I don’t believe God’s will for me is to be in a dead-end marriage; feeling so lonely. Strangely enough there is some comfort in knowing that there are others going through the same struggle.
      I need to stop blaming him, and to focus on getting my spiritual life stronger and then I am sure the relationship will be easier and improve. I am grateful for this website.

  2. The Devil is always the small consistent voice. There are so many promises of how good it would be if you leave God’s path this once.

    Have you ever seen anyone get what was promised?

  3. Love this post…just tweeted it. I like the part about serving your spouse the way they need to be served. Three days before my husband and I were going to get a divorce, God began dealing with my heart. Serving my husband was one thing I began doing that completely revolutionized my marriage. Study your spouse and meet their need. My husband wanted respect. So I had to learn what that looked like TO HIM and then do it UNCONDITIONALLY!!… great post.

  4. I am going through a very difficult time in my marriage. When I have mentioned that Satan is taking delight in struggles, my husband gets really angry. I see him isolating, while I am reaching out for help, reading, praying, making efforts to change me, which he refuses to acknowledge. Two weeks ago he told me, thAt he doesn’t want a divorce( he has been threatening me for a year to divorce)’ but he refuses to connect with me emotionally. I continue to stay in scripture and believe what God says about me. I also feel that my husband is emotionally abusing me in the way he responds to me and the treatment I receive.

  5. This is a great post and is really touching lives. Wish to submit that when we are hurting, it is a time we should commit the situations more before GOD.

    Also, the BIBLE in 1st Peter 4 vs 7 & 8 encourages us “But the end of all things is at hand; therefore be serious and watchful in your prayers.
    vs 8 And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.”

  6. I just want to appreciate my husband, and verbalize it more. He deserves my respect. I want to keep my Eye on the Prize.

    • I so wish I understood how to really love and respect my husband when he was still willing to work on our marriage. I have to believe that God will prevail and it will be on this side of eternity that I can love him and honor him

    • One think that I ask God to do is to make me into a wife that compliments or add to my husband. I want to know what gets him angry, what he delights in, what makes him isolate, etc. I have studied him and have learned those this (I’m still learning). Because I have studied him, now I can serve him by responding to his need to be appreciated, affirmed, and admired.

      We were three days away from divorce! For two days he slept in his car and Monda he said he was divorcing me. I tell you no lie….the Holy Spirit began dealing with my heart. I began to see how I negatively contributed to the turmoil in my marriage. I blamed him for all the hurt and pain I felt. And although he did much wrong, my response made things worse.

      I did exactly what God told me to do and say. Monday came and left and he was still home praise God. I’m still using those same specific things now in my marriage. Here’s the thing. Men are SIMPLE was you learn them. And i would go as far to say that men are have pretty much the same core needs. This is how God built them.

      The scariest place to be is at the door of divorce. There is hope so don’t leave. The greatest thing that came from the restoration of my marriage was a change ME! My husband now says I love you constantly. I can’t pass him in the kitchen without him wanting a hug. He cooks so often and even baithe the children. I kid you not!!

      Stay in there and be encouraged!