Willing to be Adventurous

Kate says . . .

Brad is right! I just thought I’d start my post with that, because as a husband and a man, that will make his day.  🙂 But honestly with his last post “Is it ok for Christian Couples to . . .” I completely agree. Yet, I often get some resistance and nervousness from wives when we talk about what is, and what isn’t OK to try in the bedroom. A few thoughts as you ponder the thought of being adventurous in the bedroom.

All of these questions are under the assumption that the things being considered are just between the two of you, not specifically addressed in scripture, not hurting either of you and mutually agreed upon.

Are you adamantly opposed or just unsure because it is something you have never tried?

Is this something you really don’t want to do and is completely out of your comfort zone or is it just something that makes you nervous? Be willing to have this conversation with yourself and decipher these things. It is important to know the difference and be able to express to your husband what you are willing to try.

Do you have things you’d like to try but aren’t sure how they will be received? Or you are too embarrassed to ask?

It is not always the husband who has ideas for the bedroom! So if you are the one that has ideas, even though it is hard to share them, I encourage you to do so. It may be hard to break that ice the first time. but I bet your hubby will be thankful you did. Regardless whose idea it is, you both need to decide that this IS something you’d like to try.

What would people think if they knew?

I have heard this one for everything from simple things like different sexual positions, to all kinds of extremes. We need to remember that the marriage bed is just between the two of you, for your mutual enjoyment. There are no requirements to share or even to wonder what others would think. If you are enjoying each other, honoring each other and having fun, who cares what the world thinks.

Don’t over complicate things!

I feel that in a very real effort to honor God, we often over complicate things. If the Bible doesn’t talk specifically about it, then we need to ask first if it is honoring to our spouse. If it is, then we need to think about their comfort level and desire. The reality is if you are ALWAYS putting their needs and wants before your own, taking care of them with tenderness-then the question of “Is it ok?” becomes irrelevant. It can often be our selfish or misguided desires that get us into a fix. Just food for thought!

 

What questions do you have when you consider being adventurous in the bedroom? Let us know in the comments!

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8 Responses to Willing to be Adventurous

  1. I gave my wife oral once, I think she liked it, but she has not let me near her since that one time. She gives me oral quite often which I love. What can I do to encourage her to enjoy me? I would like to introduce a prostate massage with a toy into our love making, but I am embarrassed to ask. Also my wife does not want me to use toys on her which I think would increase our marital intimacy. Any suggestions?

    • Mike,

      First, my suggestion would be to sit down, outside of the bedroom, in a safe place (at a table or separate chairs in a living area), with a cup of coffee, coke, or other favorite beverage (preferably non-alcoholic) where she won’t feel like this will be leading to sex and have a talk. I would let her know that, in loving terms, you really enjoyed performing oral on her and she seemed to enjoy it as well. Let her know that you would like to add it to your bedroom routine ONLY IF SHE IS COMFORTABLE WITH THAT. Let her know that you are just looking for some feedback on how she feels about it.

      This is the difficult part for you:

      Listen to her, with intent. Accept her answer, if she responds with a negative reply. Do NOT beg or continue to argue your side. That would be selfish on your part.

      Second, as for toys, I would have to ask, why? As for a prostate massager, there is a HUGE why on that one. Toys are a double edged sword. If you have a great sex life with your wife without toys, I would strongly suggest that you leave them at the store (I wouldn’t suggest them to fix a bad intimate life by any means, either). You, absolutely, would have to discuss this topic with your wife, in the same manner as described above, BEFORE any toys were purchased. She would need to select the toys, IF she even thought it would be a fun adventure.

      If you are asking about toys because you saw it in porn, the issue isn’t toys, it’s the porn. My suggestion, instead of toys, would be to learn how to have better sex with your wife and enjoy your bodies without artificial stimulation. It sounds like you have a fairly good intimate relationship from what I can read into your response so be happy with that.

      I cannot stress this enough, DO NOT broach these subjects while in the bedroom, especially when you are having (or about to have) a intimate moment with your wife. She must feel safe and secure when asked. She also must be listened too AND have her answer respected (which means, no begging, pleading, or revisiting). You can easily damage your relationship with your wife if you handle these sensitive topics poorly. Don’t be that guy.

      –MK

      • The only asterisks I would add to that MK is that in the bedroom is OK, as long as it is just AFTER having sex. Sometimes that “after glow” gives you a great time to talk about things like this. You can then openly share that sometime, you would like to try… without it being an issue of pressure.

    • Not to overstate the obvious, but have you asked her? As a husband with some communication problems on this topic with my own wife, I do struggle to find the vocabulary and language that is descriptive and not offensive or crass, but it still comes down to communication. If she loves you, and you love her, you ought to be able to broach the subject about whether or not she ENJOYS that sort of attention on herself (oral), or if she herself is simply too embarrassed to ask for it by name. Life is too short (and the time spent with our spouse too short as well) to be hung up on folks being unwilling to talk to each other about things that should be important to both parties.

    • Personally, I am not a fan of sex toys. I believe God gave us full capacity to enjoy each other’s flesh without grabbing toys to have sex with, instead.

      Now, if a couple needs sex tools because of some difficulty, then I don’t see a problem. But toys to shove up whatever hole, or to vibrate beyond human ability is diverting from God’s beautiful original design.

  2. My wife and I are pretty vanilla in our approach to sex. Same position, same foreplay every day. Now I love what we do, and would do it forever if that is all there is. However, I would like to be more adventurous in a Christian context. Frankly, I don’t even know what to do to make it more adventurous. I suppose I could make a list, but I don’t even know what to put on the list. Where would I start? The things I suggest (like here) are too extreme, not Christian, or criticized as demeaning.